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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
HOLIDAYS IN THE UK

Before embarking upon a UK holiday, here are a few things you should know about the Brits and their language differences. This knowledge may save you considerable embarrassment if you learn it well.

MONEY: The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS: If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS: Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank."  As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

RELAXING: One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of  Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD AND WINE: British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).  When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway.The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely  '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply  walk out;  the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION: Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.  It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver  will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still  travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19^th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible  to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

AIRPORTS: One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.

Cigars and Insurance: A Charlotte, NC. man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15.000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires".

After the man cashed the check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24.000

Florida:A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK UP!" For a moment everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. The thief ran away and is still at large.

 

 

A couple went to the hospital to have a baby. The doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would automatically transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if the husband was willing to try it out. Both the husband and wife were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But,as labor progressed, the doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus." The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town. As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelmes him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top. Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favourite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't beleive his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown. As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, viloence, poisoning....and then it hits him. johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever! The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.. INSULT SCHOOL Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigour! 'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrols the next day. So every day Johnny goes to the insult schooll, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out johnny works his ass off. Then his day arrives... As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off. He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts... The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year ,and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says

 

What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics? Having two legs.

 

A man walked into a doctor's office wanting to get a vasectomy. Uncomfortable with such topics, he nervously asked the doctor what he needed to do. The doctor looked at the man for a second and asked, "Are you from Wales?" The man, a bit surpassed at the question, answered, "Yes, I am." "This is what you should do." The doctor continued. "Find a tin can and a large firecracker. Light it, put it in the can, count to ten and then throw it." And the doctor left. Confused by these instructions, the man went to see another doctor for a second opinion. He explained what he wanted to the second doctor who then also asked if he was from Wales. "Yeah," said the stunned man. "How did you know that?" Ignoring the question, the doctor explained, "Here's what you do. Light a large firecracker, drop it in a tin can, count to ten and throw it." And the doctor left. On his way home the man thought, "I guess I might as well try it. There must be something to this. Two different doctors told me the exact same thing." So the man walked out behind his house with a tin can in one hand and a big firecracker in the other. Standing in the middle of his back yard, he lit the fuse and dropped it in the can. He started counting on his fingers, "1...2...3...4...5..." Then he stuck the can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand, "6...7...8".

What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors? A nun with a spear in her head.

What you call an Irishman carrying two sheets of glass? Paddy O'Doors.

What is white and green and eats nuts? -gangrene

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says to him: "Excuse me sir, did you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your flies?" "Yea, it's driving me nuts"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

This is a two part joke and must be told in sections for the full effect (complete embarrassment and a really smashing look on the victim's face), say about an hour or so between the two parts. This is one of my favourites, which is surprising, because it's really not lewd at all. Here goes. Part 1 "The Brick of Mystery" Three men are walking down a street, boasting about their respective physical proficiency, when they come to a huge pile of bricks. "I'll bet I can throw a brick higher than either of you two pussies." Says Brute number one. "You're on, asshole." They reply. So they look on as he gives the brick a good toss. They wait for a solid thirty seconds before it crashes to earth. "That's nothing." Says Brute #2, picking up a brick. He heaves it mightily, and it remains aloft for a whole minute before it finally descends. "What a goddamned joke!" Exclaims Brute #3. "Watch this!!" He throws his brick with all his might..... AND IT NEVER COMES DOWN!!!

Deliver the "punch" line as if it were actually funny, or made sense. Laugh derangedly to yourself, as if you get it. Invariably, there will be a complete fucking idiot who laughs along with you to be cool or something. When asked to explain, just brush people off by saying something along the lines of: "Nevermind, it's just a shitty joke." Or, "You wouldn't understand anyway, forget it."

An hour later is when the fun starts. If your friends still trust you by that time, bestow this little gem upon them:

Part 2 "The Duck and the Dowager" A man and a woman are on a cross-continental flight, sitting next to eachother. The man is a nervous smoker, and the woman is carrying a duck on her lap. Being allergic to down, the man lights up a cigar to calm his flustered nerves. "Please, sir, would you put that foul thing out?" The woman next to him says. Being a gentleman, he concedes to her wishes and extinguishes. An hour passes, and the duck is really pissing him off. He's getting exceedingly uncomfortable, so he takes out his cigar and resumes puffin'. "For goodness sakes, sir! For the second time, please put that out!" Once again, he puts it out, grumbling. So now the duck is really out of control. It's biting his ear and shitting in his lap. So he lights up again. And right on schedule, the old bitch pipes up: "For the final time sir, put that out!!" "Look bitch," He says. "I'll throw this cigar out the window if you throw that duck out the window." So she thinks, "Well, he's a duck, he can fly. He'll find his way home." So she agrees. They open up the window and toss both the duck and the cigar. Peace and quiet ensue. So the guy feels great. So he looks out the window onto the wing of the plane, and there's the goddamn DUCK. And what do you think he had in his mouth?? (At this point, most of the geniuses in your audience will say, 'the cigar' like they're already so enlightened, the dumbfucks) "No!" You say. "The BRICK!!!"

Watch the change in their expression as the waves of illumination wash across their faces (may take several minutes). The laughs you accrue will be tremendous. And the people who laughed at the stupid brick prefix will feel even stupider than before. Bask in the glory that is impeccable timing. :-)

Why did the boy fall out of the swing? He didnt have any arms.

Why did the boy fall off the bike? Someone hit him with a refrigerator.

An ant is walking along the forest floor when it comes upon an elephant. The elephant is writhing in pain because is has a thorn stuck in its foot. The elephant, unable to remove the thorn, asks the ant to remove the thorn. The ant replies, "I will if you let me fuck you up the ass." The elephant agrees. Then the ant pulls out the thorn and then climbs up the elephant's backside to get some good ass-fuckin'. The ant begins pumping away. High up in the the trees a monkey sees the action and gets excited. The monkey is so excited it starts jacking off so violently that a coconut falls out of the tree. The coconut lands on the elephant's head. The elephant cries out "Ouch" to which the ant replies, "that's right. Take it all, you bitch."

Coming home early from work I saw a man jogging naked. I said " Hey buddy, why are you doing that ? " He said " 'Coz you came home so fucking early ! "

There once was a bloke called Jack the Lad and he was a bit of a boy. One night he was getting home and he was late. He was legging it through a built up area he passes the 30mph sign at 60 , he's giving it some, 70.......80.......90......he's doing 90 in a 30 zone! He looks in his rearview mirror and sees flashing blue lights. He thinks fuck and pulls over. He's waiting in his car, looking at his watch "Come on you cunt, stop wasting my time" He's thinking. The copper comes to his window and says "Sir you do realise you were doing 90 in a 30mph zone?" "Yeah,Yeah, whats the fine I'm late." The copper replies "First a few particulars." Jacks pissed off "Yeah,Yeah what ever." "Name?" "Jack the Lad" "What do you do for a living Mr Lad?" "I'm an arsehole stretcher" "An arsehole stretcher? What's that?" "Well, what you do is....you get this tight arsehole. Take two fingers and you jab them in. Once they are in, you wiggle them around so that you can get four fingers in, then thrust a bit further so you get your hand in. Now that the hand is in you give a real big push and get your elbow round. Now that the elbows in you get your shoulder in and duck under so your head can squeeze in. With this leverage you get the other shoulder in, now you have to try and bring your knees up so you get in there until you stand up to be a six-foot arsehole." "So what do you do with a six-foot arsehole then?" Jack replies "Give it a blue uniform and stick it in a panda car"