These are things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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In case you needed further proof that the human race needs help, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a box of soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for other use.

On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains Nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

 

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

 

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school both were virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages . Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love.

She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's dick and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000.

City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 30%

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of 11: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W. II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50- caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of oil it burns.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."