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First
up is hard woman of the local pubs. Her name is Felicity Fistfight. A
vicious beast, Felicity can often be found vomiting into gutters or waiting
in line at the dole office. If not then she'll be in the nearest hostelry,
picking a fight with the meanest desperado in there. She doesn't stop
punching until her opponent lies dead on the floor. She is wanted on over
30 counts of murder. If you see her, do not approach. Contact me and I'll
send my personal assassin, known only as 'Sam' to keep her out of the
public eye. Don't let her looks fool you, she's deadly and will stop at
nothing to remain at large. |
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Woe to the secret murderer
who thought he could hide his misdeeds. Dressed in clothes of mourning
and cracking whips of cold, hard leather, the three furies from hell
will pursue him. The furies faces are gaunt and their feverish eyes
will pierce the criminals guilty soul. The furies are alerted by the
murderers victim, the three appear on the killers doorstep and drag
him from the house, screaming in terror and pleading for mercy. Then
they cry for the earth to open and take the murderer into hell. He fights
and grasps at life but is soon swallowed up. No one escapes the wrath
of the furies.
Here they are seen after a successful
job, relaxing in the park with a cigarette. Ready for the next call. |
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So
keen and sad is the cry of the banshee that it will turn your blood
to ice. This unearthly woman stands tall, wrapped in a cloak. Anguish
burns in her careworn, tear swollen eyes, her skin is as pale as the
winter moonlight. She guides visitors to houses with heart rending wails
and shrieks.
Here
she is seen dressed as a punk for Comic Relief. Proof that even ghosts
from the next dimension can still have a laugh and raise money for charity. |
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Able to change it's shape,
a terrifying bogle this is. All flesh has shrivelled away from it's
body. Parchment dry skin and hard tendons are stretched over it's grey
bones. Feverish eyes shine out of deep, dark sockets. Legend has it
that a tailor once took a bet that it could make a pair of trousers
before the demon appeared from it's sleep. As he sat sewing, an awful
smell filled the air. The tomb opened and the bogles' head appeared.
The tailor kept sewing. The bogle's scrawny arms clutched the sides
of the tombstone. The tailor kept on sewing. The bogle's thin body appeared
and it stepped out of the tomb. The tailor had finished and ran out
to a nearby stream, jumping in quickly. The bogle gave a howl of powerless
rage. Such spirits cannot cross water and so the tailor won the bet.
Here the bogle is seen dressed in
preparation for a drama exam. Even demons must pass their exams you know. |
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Wherever
you go, remember that the green man may be looking at you. He is the
mysterious spirit of nature and lives within the trees of Asia. Behind
the scrolling leaves that cover his head, his eyes are ever watchful,
and twining greenery spills down his chest in a huge living beard. He
also has an interesting sideline, filling in for Sideshow Bob in The
Simpsons.
Here
he is at school, about to propose to the photographer. |
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Who would lose his life
for a cruel river maiden? Many once did for the sake of a nymph called
Lorelei. She sat on a rock high above the river. Beauty shone in her
face and her hair was like black gold. Her skin was paler than the smooth
water below and her voice was pure and light. Yet her heart was harder
than flint. No one could get close to her. Her looks and her song served
only to lure mariners to their doom. When sailors heard her sweet voice,
they forgot to steer straight and smashed their boats into the rocks
below where she sat.
One day a young nobleman lost his
sanity as he tried to get near the cruel nymph. Driven mad by her petulance,
he sent soldiers to exact revenge. The men were hardened by war and Lorelei
had no power over them .She was about to be slaughtered when a muppet
came along and saved her. What are the chances of that? |
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Her name is Imelda and she is over
100 years old. She is still active criminally and lives at home with
a large cellar full of Lambrini. Last year she was blown up in an explosion
when she plugged some subbuteo floodlights in to the mains. She spent
three months in hospital and met Bob Geldolf. Since then every photo
taken of her has left a sense of her electrical aura on the film itself.
She enjoys contact sports, as she
is still very physically active. She was in a fight about three years
ago over money that was owed to me and she ended up in court. The judge
described her as 'an extremely violent' woman. She yelled drunken abuse
at him from the dock and got another two months added to her sentence.
She didn't give a damn. |
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The gentleman pictured here
is one the most interesting you will ever meet. He collects copies of
Singles by The Smiths on CD. He has over six thousand CDs with 'Singles'
on it. Some of these are in playable condition and some are worth money
because of tiny imperfections. For instance one copy has 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
on the disc and on the cover. This raises it's value by over two pounds.
His greatest pleasure is sitting in his attic going through his collection.
Here he is seen showing off his
chest in a low-cut dress available from the high street at an attractive
price. (Notice the cheeky way his mechanically added west breast peeks
out from the dress. What a scamp) |
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