Episode 5 - Love Comes To Royston Vasey

It's a sad day in the Denton household, as the sombre cortege of Uncle Harvey, Ben and Chloe and Radclyffe, carrying two tiny caskets make their way down the back garden to Sonny and Cher's freshly dug graves. As Auntie Val plays a passionate graveside lament on the cello, Ben looks suitably contrite, unaware of the further delights the day holds in store for him. Later, still trying to find a way to get out of Royston Vasey, he 'phones Barbara to book a taxi. Unfortunately, she misconstrues his call as being a response to her newly-placed lonely hearts ad., drives up to the deserted hillside and attempts to seduce the confused lad. Thankfully, he manages to wriggle his way out of the situation, but finds himself stranded on the dark moor as the taxi drives off and abandons him.

In the back room of the pub, preparations are under way for Mike and Cheryl's wedding reception. Les wanders aimlessly in and finds a member of tonight's band tuning up. Desperate to impress, he begins to regale the young lad with several of his music biz anecdotes until, when news comes that the rhythm guitarist can't make it tonight, he over-enthusiastically urges the chap to allow him to step into the breach. Rejected once again, he shuffles dejectedly away. But then , it's a shit business anyway; he's better off out of it.

Meanwhile, at the church, Mike and Cheryl have just tied the knot and everyone poses on the steps for photographs. Unfortunately, the bargain photographer Geoff booked is blind, so they don't turn out quite as desired. The one of the wheelie bin's quite good, though. The newlyweds head off for the reception in Barbara's taxi, oblivious to the crude arrangement of inflatable dolls tied to the rear bumper by Geoff…

Up the road, Ally and Henry are having fun in the cinema. Having managed to get themselves into the wrong film, they proceed to ruin the enjoyment of the arty gentleman in front of them by inundating him with inane questions, making lewd comments and finally bouncing popcorn off his bald head.

Somewhere in the hills, a party has gathered for a tour of the local Stump Hole Cavern. Led by the disturbed and depressed guide, Mick, they learn about the cave's history; its use in a Doctor Who adventure, its visit from the Chuckle Brothers, the reconstruction by the 999 team of the untimely death of a young boy on his school outing. Of course, the tragedy wasn't Mick's fault, although he was blamed, and the nightmares aren't so bad as long as he sleeps with the lights on.

Back at the wedding reception, Mr Foot's at it again. This time his helpless victim is Simon, a wheelchair-bound young man. Not content with forgetting the fellow's name and who he is, Foot blunders through his monologue, implying that the chap is incontinent, he couldn't possibly have a girlfriend and ending with the blinding observation that although any child he might have would be deformed, well, there's always abortion…

More tact and timing at the wedding breakfast, this time courtesy of Geoff. As he delivers his best man's speech, all his jealousy, resentment and bitterness comes flooding out and he lays into Mike, his best friend turned boss, for always having been more successful than him. Not to mention the time Mike slept with his fiancee. But it hasn't all been bad news for Geoff. In 1987, both his and Mike's mums got ill around the same time. Sadly Mike's died, but Geoff's survived, so at least he won that one. However, this is cold comfort to Geoff who is so well away that it isn't long before he pulls his gun again, this time on Brian. But come on, he did steal Geoff's wife, Katie. Still, you know Geoff, he always bounces back and it's only a few moments before he's merrily leading a toast to the happy couple.

Later that night, there's a desperate tapping at the butcher's shop door. A sleepy Mr Briss finds Maurice on the doorstep, pleading for a little something. He's changed his tune...and he's...hungry…Just this once, agrees Hilary, opening the freezer, he'll do him a favour…

 

Episode 6 - Escape From Royston Vasey

Another young man enters the local shop and spends some time browsing before Tubbs slips in through the curtain. He wants to buy everything in the shop, he tells her, totally flummoxing the poor woman. Surprised that she doesn't recognise the name on his credit card, he explains; "It's me, Mum, David." By the time Edward appears, the penny's finally dropped, although Edward denounces his son and is apoplectic when he announces that the construction company he runs is none other than the one building NewRoad. David's invitation for his parents to spend the weekend with him in London might be sufficient bribery where Tubbs is concerned, but his father's having none of it and stomps out.

Meanwhile, at the Dentons', Benjamin is by no means off the hook over his little misadventure. Having failed to escape with the twins on their school trip, he is obliged to receive his absolution through being chaperoned to the bathroom by Val and Harvey where he must clean the toilet brush until it gleams. And when it gleams, he must, of course, clean the brush with which he has been cleaning it. And so on, for a dirty brush is a useless brush. There's a cupboardful to get through. Poor Ben, pushed to breaking point, throws a tantrum and destroys the horrified Dentons' sanctity by not only jumbling up the scissors, but suggesting that he might dry his hands on the white towel instead of the brown one. Oh, the horror!

At the Job Centre, the relieved jobseekers have come to the end of their restart programme. Mickey has a little present for Pauline - a pen she can wear round her neck on a string. Ross has a little surprise for Pauline, too; he works for Social Services and he's been monitoring her working methods. He's not impressed. What's more, she's sacked. Poor thing, she didn't mean to be so foul-mouthed and rude. The ultimate blow is yet to come, however; she can't keep her pens. As she tries to wrestle them from Ross' grip, the box upends its contents over the floor and Pauline falls to her knees, sobbing pathetically as she scoops them up, everyone stepping over them as they leave. Not even her half-hearted threat of reporting Ross for working and signing on can save her - she's the one who's unemployed now.

Up at Mr Tinsel's farm, a group of children are about to witness the miracle of birth courtesy of Monica the cow, aided by Mr Chinnery. It's a difficult labour and so the vet will gently assist by pulling the calf out. No, children, of course he hasn't got his arm up the cow's bottom; it's the 'other' passage. See, here're its little hooves now…Just pull, and…No, no, that's not offal, it's just the birth sack. In a few moments the little calf will stagger to its feet and begin to lick it all off…Oops…As the eviscerated cow drops like a stone, there's more rather upsetting news for poor Farmer Tinsel…

It's a busy day for Mr Chinnery. Today's the day that Barbara's having her much-heralded operation. As she's woozily wheeled down to the operating theatre, news comes that Dr Mekos has been hurt in a skiing accident, but luckily, another doctor has kindly offered to step in. She'll be in good hands, oh yes, as the vet looms into view, complete with garden shears and a totally bemused expression…

Time for the evening service, and our compassionate lady vicar, Bernice, is sharing her views on the disabled. Why do they have to have six parking bays at Safeway? There's nothing in the Bible about that. She only parked there for five minutes to stock up on booze and got her car clamped for her troubles. It's not right.

Down in the Indian restaurant, Mike, Geoff and Brian are celebrating Geoff's birthday. Well, Geoff is, since Mike and Brian have obviously forgotten. Brian's busy boring everyone with a work-related story until Geoff, unable to bear not being the centre of attention a moment longer, produces paper hats for them all to wear. After establishing that he's only 40, and not as old as the other two would like to believe, he slips off to the toilet. Chuckling, Mike waves all the surprise party guests in, pleased that the plan worked and Geoff really thinks no-one remembered, before he spots a note on the table. It's from Geoff - a suicide note. They always knew he had that gun, reads Mike, as a shot rings out from the gents'. Rushing to the scene, they find blood everywhere and Geoff laid in the middle of it. As Mike breaks down in tears, the deceased Geoff opens his eyes, sits up and laughs himself silly. He had them going, didn't he? Poor thing, he just doesn't understand why they can't see the joke.

Back at the local shop, Tubbs is packed and ready to go. She's leaving Edward; off with David to London. Little does she know that Edward 'spoke' to David earlier and they're going nowhere. As Tubbs trots delightedly down the path to her waiting son, he turns to reveal a newly-upturned nose and goes to join his gleeful father. Poor tearful Tubbs lumbers off up the road and sits down desolately on the verge. Further along the lane, Ben struggles up the hillside having finally escaped the clutches of his relatives. He's looking for refreshment for the journey and when he stumbles across someone who looks like they know the area, he asks directions to the nearest shop. "Come on, I'll show you" says Tubbs, ominously leading him back to where she came from…