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| This is a tow away zone | No Pah King |
| Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? | Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? |
| You are not very bright | Yu So Dum |
| I got this for free | Ai No Pei |
| Stupid Man | Dum Gai |
| Small Horse | Tai Ni Po Ni |
| Your price is too high!! | No Bai Dam Ding!! |
| Your body odour is offensive | Yu stin ki pu |
| I bumped into a coffee table | Ai Bang Mai Ni |
| They have arrived | Hia Dei Kum |
| It's very dark in here | Wai So Dim? |
| Has your flight been delayed? | Hao Long Wei Ting? |
| I thought you were on a diet | Wai Yu Mun Ching? |
| See me A.S.A.P | Kum Hia Nao |
| Are you harbouring a fugitive? | Hu Yu Hai Ding? |
| Pew! does this bathroom stink! | Hu Flung Dung? |
| Stay out of sight | Lei Lo |
| Please, stay a while longer. | Wai Go Nao? |
| Our meeting was scheduled for next week | Wai Yu Kum Nao |
| 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. | 5. The best part of having one is the games you can play. |
| 9. A better model is always just around the corner. | 4. The lights are on but nobody's home. |
| 8. They look nice and clean and shiny until you bring them home. | 3. In order to get their attention, you have to first turn them on. |
| 7. It's always necessary to have a backup. | 2. Big power surges knock them down for the whole night. |
| 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. | 1. Size does matter. |
| 10. Picky, picky, picky. | 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. |
| 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. | 4. Smalltalk is important. |
| 8. Beauty is only shell deep. | 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong. |
| 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing." | 2 They make you take the garbage out. |
| 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. | 1. Miss just one period and they go nuts. |
| 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" | 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." |
| 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." | 12. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." |
| 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. | 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." |
| 4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your
neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" |
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with
your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression
while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccini alfredo you had for breakfast. |
| 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" | 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." |
| 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." | 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" |
| 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. | 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. |
| 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" | 18. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." |
| 9. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free". | 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" |
| 10. Fill up a large flask with mineral water. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,
"Whoa! Easy boy!" |
20. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. |
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You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. |
They say They mean
| Yes | No |
| No | Yes |
| Maybe | No |
| I'm sorry | You'll be sorry. |
| We need | I want |
| It's your decision | The correct decision should be obvious by now. |
| Do what you want | You'll pay for this later. |
| We need to talk | I need to complain |
| Sure... go ahead | I don't want you to. |
| I'm not upset | Of course I'm upset, you moron! |
| You're ... so manly | You need a shave and you sweat a lot. |
| You're certainly attentive tonight | Is sex all you ever think about? |
| Be romantic, turn out the lights | I have flabby thighs. |
| This kitchen is so inconvenient | I want a new house. |
| I want new curtains | and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... |
| I heard a noise | I noticed you were almost asleep |
| Do you love me? | I'm going to ask for something expensive. |
| How much do you love me? | I did something today you're really not going to like. |
| I'll be ready in a minute. | Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. |
| Is my bum fat? | Tell me I'm beautiful. |
| Am I fat | Tell me I'm beautiful NOW! |
| You have to learn to communicate | Just agree with me. |
| Are you listening to me! ? | [Too late, you're dead.] |
| Was that the baby? | Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he's asleep |
| I'm not yelling! | Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. |
| The same old thing | Nothing |
| Nothing | Everything |
| Everything | My PMS is acting up |
| Nothing, really | It's just that you're such an arsehole |
| I'm hungry | I'm hungry. |
| I'm sleepy | I'm sleepy. |
| I'm tired | I'm tired. |
| Do you want to go to a movie? | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| Can I take you out to dinner? | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| Can I call you sometime? | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| May I have this dance? | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| Nice dress! | Nice cleavage! |
| You look tense, let me give you a massage | I want to fondle you. |
| (while shopping) I like that one better | Pick any freakin dress and let's go home! |
| What's wrong? | I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. |
| What's wrong? | What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? |
| What's wrong? | I guess sex tonight is out of the question. |
| I'm bored. | Do you want to have sex? |
| I love you | Let's have sex now. |
| I love you, too | Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! |
| Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. | I liked it better before. |
| Let's talk | I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. |
| Will you marry me? | I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. |
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* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay our of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat
had been done. Additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your
head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated
to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've
just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is
highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment & be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein
content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often
enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning".
