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| A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks
if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy
and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infrared wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.... |
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He suggests she puckers her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." |
| A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped
in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender
when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on,
long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the scouser. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'. |
| A young footballer is transferred from Grimsby Town
F.C. to Man U. At the first training session the chairman takes him to one
side and gives him an envelope containing £5,000. "Wow, all we got was a tenner at Grimsby". "Well, young lad, you're playing for one of the richest clubs in the world now. Here take this brochure and select a house for yourself. Anything under £1,500,000 will be OK". "£1,500,000! All we had was a back-to-back terrace in Grimsby" "Oh, and here are the keys to your new Aston-Martin" "Aston-Martin! All we got at Grimsby was a bus pass" "Right lad, I've been talking to Alex Ferguson, and he's going to play you on Saturday, and he'll pull you off at half-time". "Bloody hell, all we got was a suck on an orange at Grimsby". |
| Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the
second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that
were 200 men walking in single file. Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." Tom asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked her and she died." Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and attacked her and she died." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" He replied, "Get in line!" |
| A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO.
It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about
$500 000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a re light an
old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What
kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!". "That's a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?” "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!” Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to what it could possibly be and suddenly, Whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him going much faster! What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whhoooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooooosh Ka-BbblaMM! It ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror". |
| Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to
heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so Saint Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt & panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." |
| A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells
her that her husband is not a very good lover and asks what she can do about
it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night
and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day the woman comes in ecstatic, telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle, the therapist says that since it's an experimental drug, she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office. A month later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did, Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty......." |
| Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert
Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks
without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave
to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel. Like everyone else.” the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs. "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of Private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Sarge, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I toldya, if you want some action, go use the camel." Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself, and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak the sergeant yells "Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken, and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." |
| A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few
things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are ?" she asked. "No". "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15-year-old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" "No." "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!" |
| A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got
so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him. The moral of the story is: 1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut |
| Three guys go into a pub for a few drinks. They've
been at the pub for about an hour and they are having a good time. All of
a sudden a man at the other end of the pub stands up, points one of the
guys and shouts "Oi, I've shagged your Mum". Not wanting any trouble, the guys ignore him and carry on their conversation and drinking. Again, about 30 minutes later the man stands up and, points at one of the guys and shouts: "Oi, your mum's sucked my cock!" The guys are bit offended but stay quiet as they are having a good time and don’t want to ruin things. After about 15 minutes the man stands up again and shouts out, "Oi, I’ve shagged your Mum up the arse!" This is too much to take and one of the guys stands up and shouts back, "Dad, you’ve had too much to drink, now go home!" |
| A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound
sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day,
the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and
singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labour were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40-mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledgehammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he as so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, Man City’ll be winning the premiership” |
| The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break & then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." |
| The kindergarteners were now in first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked
them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said
he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." |
| A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on
'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained,
"is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." |
| Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute, and said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "You have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more people are riding my invention than yours." |
