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The Scrawn
& Lard
Dictionary
- Ah Ha - Said by Lard when he thinks that he has said something
funny.
- Arse - Bum, Rear end etc
- Arse, Cobblers, Nackers - Lard`s phrase meaning meat, two veg
and a nice helping of rump.
- Behemoth - Large Mythical creature. "The Behemoth boy
Lard"
- Behemoth Boy Lard - A nickname for Lard
- Behemoth Dave Lard - Same as above but only used a few times.
- Best Bang On A Tune Then - Used by Lard when he sees that he
and Mark have dug themselves into a hole and saying this gives them
a convenient excuse to get out of any such situation. Also used when
one of there comedy sketches goes completely wrong.
- Biffa - Ugly bird
- Big up Junglist Respect in the Area - You don't need to be
Judge Jules or Pete Tong to say crap like this, Mark and Lard demonstrate
their dance credentials by using these sort of phrases.
- Billy Bollock Chops - A close friend of Lard who is often mentioned
in the show. As his initials are BBC. Lard tried to sell the name of
to the big bosses at the BBC. for merchandising purposes but they refused
to bye the name.
- Bit of Class - It`s very classy/stylish. Usually said after
crude jokes or farty noises.
- Bollocks - Well Bollocks.
- Bobbins -Rubbish. Also an essential part in wool spinning.
- The Breadknife - Wife or girlfriend.
- Bum Cakes - Arse
- Built Like A Brick Shithouse - Very muscly or just plain fat.
- Cake Hole - Mouth
- Can I thaw this out in your mental microwave? - Used in a meeting
instead of "Can I run this by you" or "can I flag this
up with you"
- Children of the Monkey Basket - an occassional greeting from
Mark to the listeners. Invented by one of the guests (either Andrew
Collins or Stuart Maconie) as a ficticious band name.
- Chuffin Bobbins - Very Crap
- Cod, Fish, Battered Balls - Another Testicle reference.
- Coffin Dodger - A really old person who by rights should be
dead but for some reason still is managing to survive.
- Cooking On Classical Gas - Things are going very well. After
a good sketch Lard can often be heard to say it. Classical Gas is also
ex-drummer Tony Mcarrols Latest band where he mixes the classics with
his unforgettable drumming style.
- Cor Blimey Charlie - Expression of amazement.
- Daytime - Something suitable for the daytime radio (as opposed
to the Graveyard Shift)
- Don`t be Facetious - Used mainly by the Rabbi Lionel Blair
but sometimes by Lard. It basically means Stop making those unwanted
comments or in short a polite way of saying "Shut Up"
- Doofer - A Thing
- Drop A Bollock - Make a mistake or cock something up.
- Dropped A Bad Un' - Something done by people who eat too many
baked beans and sprouts.
- The Ducks Nuts - The Dogs Bollocks
- Each To Their Own - Fair enough if you find her attractive,
but well, you wouldn`t.
- Fair Enough - Usually said by Lard when he is admitting that
he is in fact sad and useless.
- Fancy a Cabbage - Occasionally used as a variation on fancy
a brew. lard used it once and was therafter inundated with requests
for him to shout it out on air from listeners.
- Flea and Hand Shandy - Mark and Lard`s local pub.
- Flogging The Catchphrases..TO DEATH - Something they often
do. When you have a great catchphrase you may as well use it as often
as you can.
- Frown On It - Lard of says things like "Well I bought
this porn film a few weeks ago and I`ve been frowning on it for weeks."
Lard`s way of saying that he doesn`t approve of such stuff. And if you
believe that...
- Fuck My Hat I Didn`t Know That - A jingle that Mark and Lard
used to play whenever someone says an amazing fact on the Night Time
show..
- Good Morrow, Waking Souls - Good Morning. - Mark's first words
everyday on the Breakfast Show.
- Gormless - Stupid or thick.
- Graveyard Shift - Old Radio 1 time-slot from 10pm-12 pm Mon-Thursday.
- Gubbins- Stuff
- Holding a candle under Gary Bushell - Possibly meaning modesty.
- Honey- Someone who is attractive. Often applied to Simon Armitage.
It is the opposite of Biffa.
- Ho!, And If You Will Arse! A variation on the Ho Ho! and Arse
phrases. Was used by Cirol Doricott a lot.
- I Do Not Adam And Believe It - I don`t believe it (Mark and
Lard`s version of the popular Victor Meldrew Catchphrase)
- I`m Great Me - One of Lard`s new catchphrases, and who is going
to argue with him.
- It's a Good Night In - Something to do at home, usually listening
to a radio show
- It's a Good Point Well Put - Lard's response to a worthy comment
- It's a link - either of them says something particular banal
or unfunny or not particularly interesting in between a record, the
other one may make excuses for it by saying "It's a link",
i.e. ah well it's a link to the next record - but it obviously isn't
- It's All Gone Horribly Pete Tong- When something goes wrong.
Recently heard emanating from Lizzie Lanson's mouth!
- It's Alright - Their highly in depth description of something
they want to review.
- I Wasn`t Listening Mate - Said by Lard when Mark asks his opinion
of some deeply philosophical matter.
- Job's a Good 'Un - Something worth doing or something generally
good
- Levenshulme Palace - Throbbing Nightspot in the heart of South
East Manchester
- Little Sugary Decorations - A phrase that allows him to talk
about consuming large quantities of LSD without getting into trouble.
- Morning Chaps - Said in a posh military style voice whenever
they read out a request from any people in the military or who have
posh jobs.
- No Nononono!- Phrase used when mentioning Simon Armitage. Jokey
reference to misread poem.
- Norks - Breasts
- Not Many Of Them To The Pound - Way of describing someone`s
cobblers as rather large.
- No offence mate - usually said immediately after Lard has insulted
somebody, meaning "I've just insulted you but I'm only joking really".
- Now there's a surprise - this hasn't been used for a while,
but dates back to the Graveyard Shift, when, around October last year,
Mark and Lard told us that BBC middle management had said the show wasn't
surprising enough. So, they tried to make it more surprising (and let's
face it, failed).
- OOh, back in the knife draw! - Said by Lard when Mark has said
something bitchy
- Oh Yes! - Spoken in the style of Corky the policeman (played
by Derek Guyler) in the early Seventies sitcom Sykes, used by both,
but considerably better by Lard. He says it after hearing a tune that
he really likes.
- Painting Pictures With Words - Something that they have to
do a lot due to the radio not being very visual.
- Palace Of Glittering Delights - The BBC`s Manchester Studio
on Oxford Road. So called because it has a lot of windows.
- Pop music lets go! - Mark used to say this on the graveyard
shift when he had finished a link abruptly.
- Post Haste - Used on the telephone quizes such as Flick or
Trick when they want to say that they have to get down to a certain
shop very quickly.
- Public Service Broadcasting - said by either Mark or Lard when
they say something that may be slightly useful or helpful to the listeners.
- The Purple Headed Bedroom Python - Another Penis word.
- Quality Item - Quality items are the many sketches or guest
spots that they have on the show.
- Rat Arsed - Meaning very pissed or drunk.
- Rearange These Words Into A Well Known Sentance - What they
say if they have just said something that makes no sence at all.
- Red Beard, Thick Glasses - A universal description for everybody
in the world. eg. Lard: "Who?" Mark: "You know Sarah
Poon, Red Beard, Thick Glasses" Lard: "Oi aye, I know her".
There are quite a few variations on this theme including: Big glasses,
Big beard, Curly hair, Wears a trilby (all of those seem to describe
Kim Newman - did they do this on purpose, we wonder?), Wears a wooly
hat like Compo (From Last of the Summer Wine), Used to be a bus conductor
in Bradford and A Swedish bloke with a beard.
- Rock a fat one - have a good time (usually involving going
out and getting ratted).
- Skinning The Competition, Alive! - Means that Mark and Lard
are doing so well with their radio show that no other DJ's have a chance
of competing with them.
- Slam dunkin - Used on the C.C.C.C. when they introduce the
top 3
- The Drumming Needs a Rocket Up It - What lard says to the studio
band when he thinks that him on his drum machine would have done better
- The One With The Red Beard? - Lard says this when Mark mentions
someones name and Lard is not sure who Mark is talking about.
- The Vibe On The Street Is Massive - Often followed by an offer
by Lard to go down to the street to see how massive the "Vibe"
is.
- They Could Do Quite Well , With The Right Management - Often
said when they have just played a record by a hugely succesful group
such as Oasis or The Spice Girls.
- Tickle It Up - Give the feature some hype. If the have a quality
item coming up later Mark tells Lard to "Tickle It Up a Bit".
- Toby Milk Jug - One of Lard's new nicknames.
- Tosser - Self-explanatory. Mark often calls Lard a Tosser.
- Tosser De Mar - Spain
- Tosspot - An insult often used against Lard by Mark.
- Totty - Used to describe women, usually honies, as opposed
to biffers
- Trouser Snake - Penis
- Tub Of Dead Pigs - A nickname of Lard's used for a short time
on the Breakfast Show.
- Two peas in a pod - said when two songs sound so alike that
it is clear that one has blatantly copied the other.
- Vimtoing - Inviting the contents of your stomach to see daylight
again ....
- Well You Wouldn`t Would You ? - used by either Mark or Lard
when they see a picture of an ugly biffer or bloke.
- Wise Words! - Accompanied by a jingle and said by Mark and
Lard whenever some wise words are read out.
- You can't argue with that - Said by either, when the other
has made a statement which is undeniably true (or so they think).
- You Would - Same as above but used to describe an attractive
bird or bloke.
- You Wouldn`t Would You Weekly - A newspaper dedicated to ugly
biffas.
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