Puns

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
 The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
 The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
 "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." 
 
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
 He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
 The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
 "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
 Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
 The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
 The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
 The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."
 The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...." 
 
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds   with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses  of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns  would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three  dimensional space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era,   the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a  lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year   of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses   his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello.
Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed  glasses as she stares down at our student.
 "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept   this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group."
Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."
 "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."
 
Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment at  Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees.
Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for  those rusty old slides."
 Remarked the second, "Yes, .... you must beware the slides of Larch!" 
 
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One   day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to   sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get   the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he  searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to  town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's  new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a      length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
   Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken    arrive in the shiny B'mer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope   the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper   of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the   aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken   drove the BMW back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser   when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented,   best buddies, best pals.
    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and he too began to   sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a    moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,  he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he would then lift him out  of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and  out, saving his life.
   The moral of the story?
  When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 
A guy reaches out of his apartment window to see if it's raining, and a  glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up and sees a woman looking down.
    He yells, "Is this yours?"
   She says, "Yes...could you please bring it up?"
    He goes up, walks into her apartment, hands her the eye, and she says,    "I'm about to have dinner. Please join me."
    After dinner, she says, "Want to go to bed?"
  He says, "Are you this friendly to every guy you meet?"
   She says, "No. Only the ones who catch my eye." 
 
Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street, when Paddy said "Jesus Murphy, would you look at that fucking
  gravestone... There's a bloke here who lived to 174 fucking years old!"
   "Christ!!!" said Murphy "What was his fucking name?"
    Paddy replied "Miles Tolondon" 
 

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet  became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite   thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad  breath.

    Therefore: he came to be known as a  "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."