"There's an ape on my chair."
"Where on your chair?"
"There on my chair, right there."
"The little ape with clogs on?"

"Princess Diana once smoked Crack. She enjoyed the experience, yet, found it a little bit harsh on the back of her throat."

"You knew I went out with Sharon, Vic. You saw the lipstick... near my eye!" - Bob

"Boiled onions for sale." - Sir Victor Reeves

"Week-old liver in a rum-soaked mattress." - Vic Reeves in an interview, when asked to say something funny within five seconds

"El Diablo having some lodged pasta removed from his hoof." - Vic reading Man with the Stick's helmet
"El Diablo, or, The Devil," Vic explains.

"Don't slip on loose muesli!"

"I can't say the word colander."
"I can't say the word coriander, me." - The Living Carpets

"Oooh Vic, I went to Leicester, y'know the other day."
"Did ya?"
"Yeah, I'm not going there again!!!!!"

"Some with air rifle, some with gutty, and some with bendy stick, for shitty-shotty."

 

(Vic, on why Bob feels queasy)

Vic: "Is it where that bloke pulled your spine out?"
Bob: "No, that's all healed up now."
Vic: "You were like a Tina Turner concert after that."
Bob: "NO Vic, I was like a CONCERTINA!!!"

Bob: "Vic, have you farted?"
Vic: "No."
Bob: "What, never?"

Vic: "I am, alas..."
Bob: "But Vic you have no knockers!!!!!"
Vic: "Could you wait til I've finished?"
Bob: "Oh I'm sorry."

"Like a badger with an afro, throwing sparklers at the pope!!!"

"I poured my cat out some milk the other day; I don't know how it got in there!" - Vic

"Welcome back my little whelk... Hold on, this isn't my whelk - this whelk is Dutch!!" - Vic

"Don't worry Hetherington, one day you'll get your own hardware store - he's so cute!!!" - Bob

"Vic, get this cup off me! Quick quick quick! Oh, perhaps it wasn't so urgent after all, then." - Bob

Bob: "Coxy yer hair."
Vic: "Yerhaah!"
Bob: "No, yer hair."
Vic: "Yerhaah."
Bob: "Roy yer hair!"
Vic: "Yerhaah, what else do you want me to say!"
Bob: "Roy man YER HAIR!!"
Vic: "Oh me hair, oh here's the pritt stick, will you do me the honours?"

Bob: "Well today we've got a real mixed bag of nuts."
Vic: "Have we... can I have some?"
Bob: "Some what?"
Vic: "Nuts, you just said that you had a big bag of nuts... and raisins."

Not a quote, but an obscure Mulligan & O'Hare lyric which doesn't appear on the lyrics page. This song was sung on the "At Home With Vic & Bob" programme during an interlude when Mulligan & O'Hare appeared to be living in a caravan on wasteland.

"As I stare into the fire
And watch the flames grow higher
I'm suddenly aware that I'm beginning to perspire
However much I try
To brush the sweat aside
IT CONSTANTLY RE-GROUPS AT THE BASE OF MY SPINE"

"As I stare into the fire
And try to get this hen to boil
I'd dearly love to fry
But I cannot find the oil
However much I try
To get the thing to fry
I CANNOT LOCATE THE SPRY CRISP AND DRY"

"You gave me chocolate digestive, when you knew I preferred the plain."

"Do you do Voodoo?"
"No, but I do Judo."
"You don't do Voodoo but you do Judo?"

"I'm going to a party."
"How many owls are coming?"
"Two owls!"

Mulligan: "Hot dogs for sale."
O'Hare: "Where? Where?"
Mulligan: "Hot dogs for sale."
O'Hare: "Where? Where?"
Mulligan: "Over there by the beefburgers."

- (Points to the hamburgers and hotdogs which are on a sheet of newspaper in the middle of the country road where their motorcycle has crashed)

"Piwwock! Bowwock! Duck bowwock piwwock." - Bob, swearing at a duck in 'The Club'

Bob: "Argh! Ah! Ah ah... oh no, I just looked at the incredibly beautiful treasure and I've gone blind. It may be only temporary blindness though."
Vic: "Sorry? I've just gone deaf." - From a treasure-burying sequence. One of those where every limb breaks on contact with air. Classic.

"What Bob doesn't know, is that in about 5 minutes, I'm going to park my bike right up the crack of his arse!" - Vic, just prior to the said bicycle related arse-parkery incident at London Television Centre. (9/10/98)

"I'm an edible crab - from Devon! Akakakakak!" - Vic, being a crab just before he parks his bike up Bob's arse. This is a really surreal little sequence, be warned.

"Don't think the A-Team are coming, 'cause they're not."
"Oh no, they've modified the van!"

"Yer wanna see 'em, don't ya?" - Spoken by the betoothed Matthew Kelly. He then parts his waistcoat flaps, revealing two lightbulbs. A beauty.

"D'you know, I put so much petrol in me car the other day, I couldn't get in!" - Vic

"It's a shoecake, a cake like a shoe, a shoe cake..." - Bob as contestant on Masterchef (The Smell Of).

Uncle Peter: "Here's your coat: it's rubbish."
Vic: "What did you say!?!?"
Uncle Peter: "I said I've just come back from Dullwich."

"I am Paul, a motorcycle courier, but I hope to get a job in local government very soon." - Vic (Big Night Out, Series Two)

"How nice to have your coat removed by a bird of prey these days." - Vic (The Smell Of)

Vic: "You know what you are? A silly billy."
Bob: "How can you say that, you evil little man!"

"Some have air rifle, some have gutty and some have shitty shotty for... shotty shit."

"Well, that's my car stolen. I'll just phone the police.... then I'll get back to my eggs" - Swiss Toni

(from Families at War)

Vic (to contestant who is a butcher): "My dictionary gives two definitions of butcher, someone who sells meat or someone who brutally murders people. Which are you?"
Contestant: "I sell meat."
Vic (to nearby security guard): "You can go now."

Contestant on Novelty Island: "When I 'ear Harry Nielson, me hat flies off." (Harry Nielson music played and his hat floats away)
Vic: "Brilliant! Is that it then?"
Contestant: "No it bloody isn't!" (He pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and shoots the hat)

O'Hare: "I was in hospital having treatment for my gammy leg."
Mulligan: "Really why?"
O'Hare: "It had rusted, Mulligan."
Mulligan: "Really where?"
O'Hare: "Just behind the knee."
Mulligan: "Really how?"
O'Hare: "My bag had broke!!"
Mulligan: "Oh really!!!"
O'Hare: "Yes, really."

"Who was the latest quiz show host to say 'Come on down'?"
(pause) "Me, I've just said it." - Vic during quick fire question

"What?! You intend to stand here eating cream horns while this man potentially gives birth to an ape? I'll take over here!"

"They call me Mr Huff and Puff, but I'm not in a huff and I'm not a puff... I just wanna make sweet love to her!" - Vic as Barry White

"IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER!"

"YOU WOULDN'T LET IT LIE!"

Vic: "And that was your three laughs was it?"
Lister: "It is in my small world Reeves, yes."
Vic: "And what a very small world that must be."

"I think that deserves a ring on the handbag!" - Vic

"You interfering get!" - Vic to Roger Cook

"You pigeon-chested little abattoir creeper." - Vic to Bob on Big Night Out

Bob: "Have you had your hair cut, Vic?"
Vic: "Yeah, but it's not what I asked for."

Uncle Peter: "These are my German singing owls."
Owls: "Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alles!"

"If you do get trapped in your flat, try NOT to get trapped in your flat..." - Vic

Pat: "... And he wants wipers."
Dave: "Not in front of Swiss Toni! Anyway Pat it's about time you learned to wipe yerself!"
Pat: "Noooo! Windscreen wipers!!"
- Pat and Dave (the bra men) buying, or swiping - "you can keep yer car!" - a car from Swiss Toni, who (much) later appeared on the Fast Show.

Dave: "Don, can you just go and see if those underpants are dry?"
Don (feeling large white y-fronts on washing line): "No, still sweaty!"
(feeling blue lycra g-string) "Mine are alright though, I think I'll go and put them on!"
- From Slade on Holiday, Smell series 2

Bob: "Ah Vic man you've crushed me pecker!!" - Vic lowers Bob in a jar onto a woodpecker using a forklift truck... classic!

"I have my power because I have just dined on Weetabix." - Bob

From Big Night Out tour - Wavy Davy appears on Novelty Island with a rabbit which he's going to release into the wild (and wave at, of course).

Vic: "Has it got mixamatosis?"
Davy: "I hope not, I was licking its eye earlier on."

Bob: "My new girlfriend works in Marks and Spencers."
Vic: "Really?"
Bob: "Yeah, she won't let me try anything on though."

When Gladiator Wolf was on Shooting Stars:

Bob: "Wolf, when you were a puppy, did you used to chew your daddy's slippers?"
Vic: "Did you used to poo in his hat?... Sorry Wilf."
Bob: "Is Ulrika gonna be okay tonight? Have you been neutered?"

In Dove From Above round:

Ulrika: "Can I have Beans please?"
Bob: "No."
Ulrika: "Can I have Creatures then? Why can't I have Beans?"
Vic: "Because you know what happens."

Quickfire question:

"Love me for a reason, let that reason be?"
"Love?"
"No, my 27-and-a-half-inch penis!"

Shooting Stars, the one with Ron Atkinson as "The Beast from the East" with a crown of 7 juicy apples:
"They were the birds that came down and pecked the eyes from my bloody family!" - Bob

Smell series 2:
Bob: "Hey Vic! I've got me own personal trainer!"
Vic: "Really?"
Bob: "Yeah! Here it is... I've got to share the other one with the rest of the family though!"

Vic as Barry White, chatting up a piece of copper piping:
"Go on love, show us yer bra!"
"Oh, yer right sexy you!"
"I've dropped me LIVER!"

Bob: "Hey Vic, I've just seen Barry White chatting up a bit of piping!"
Vic: "Was it this copper one?"
Bob: "Yeah."
(Vic breaks down)
Vic (to pipe): "How could you, after all these years?!"

"True or False? Jim Kerr from Simple Minds was born in Spain and was originally christened Juan." - Vic

Vic: "ATCHOO!"
Bob: "Bless you!"
Vic: "Why?"
Bob: "You just sneezed."
Vic: "No, I was just looking at this picture of a jew."

Bob: "Oh! Vic! I've fallen..."
Vic: "Oh god, are you alright?"

"Hello! I'm Greg Mitchell, the gorgeous sandy-coloured labrador."

"Cottage cheese, cottage cheese
Try it once and then you'll agree that
Cottage cheese, cottage cheese
Is the only cheese... guarenteed to please!"

"Money f't blind! Money f't blind! Roller blind!" - Uncle Peter

Bloke: "You got any booze f't baby?"
Bob: "You can't give a baby booze, you can't give a baby booze, you can't give-a-baby booze!" (to get the right feel, say each line differently)
Bloke: "How about a fag?"

"You can't even pet a little doggie without it inspecting your charms." - The Bra Men

"I'm barking mad, me! I love the place!" - Vic and Freddie The Foul-Mouthed Fox - Big Night Out, Series One

"IT IS MICHAEL BLOODY WINNER!!!" - Vic

"Filthy heathen." - George Dawes

"I don't know about you, but at about this time of night, I like to place a small orange thing on the back of a heron." - Vic on the Big Night Out at his spacious desk

"Arh... Him and his bloody Fraggle Rock, toot toot." - From The Smell Of... When Bob wants to watch Fraggle Rock and Vic wants to watch Learning To Swim on the other channel at the same time

"He's a homebrew duck, quack, quack!"

From the Big Night Out:

"Come come Mrs. Pickford, it's only a vegetable." - Vic

"On tonight's show we have a tramp with a lamp and a little bit of cramp and a wary canary with a bellyful of bolts." - Vic

"Les, they're not your mangoes!" - Vic to Les

"You cannot deny the verdict of the ginger pop star's hair, victory is mine and the voices in my head are silenced." - Graham Lister on winning Novelty Island

"Spin, spin, spin the Wheel Of Justice - see how fast the bastard turns...
What do we do with the Wheel Of Justice? COMB ITS HAIR!"

"Spin, spin, spin the Wheel Of Conciliation - see how low it lies to the ground...
What do we do with the Wheel Of Conciliation? SPRAY IT WITH FERTILITY JUICE!"

"Has your cat been piddling on our marigolds? You wouldn't like it if we came and piddled in your Red Red Wine..." - Dave out of Slade (complete with wonky fringe) to UB40

"I was painting the underside of a fox the other day, but I had to use a roller on the end of a long pole, 'cos it was quite a high fox (gestures use of pole) and I had the bright idea of opening a window to let some air in. So if you want a bright idea, try painting the underside of a fox - but make sure it's quite a high fox (gestures again). Or if you can't find a fox then try a wolf, but PLEASE... do make sure it's quite high wolf (gestures again)." - Vic, from BNO series two

Morrissey the Consumer Monkey: "I like watches, I like wood,"
Vic: "He likes various consumer goods."
Mozzer: "Some electric, some are not,"
Vic: "Interestingly enough, supplied in shops."
Mozzer: "I like lipsalve, I like pears,"
Vic: "Import, export, Mozzer don't care."
Mozzer: "I recently purchased a video recorder,"
Vic: "Interestingly enough supplied by mail order."
Mozzer: "Oh Mr. Vic, I love you so much - you're like a big fat lump of fatty lamb. Give us a kiss..."

"That was MY idea!"

Bob: "Very quarry - porry - I can't apologise a puff - enough - Brian Clough. My new song, When a child is bored - bald - born bald. 'Ken a child is small'."

"So please welcome Britain's top light entertainer - and seamstress. Vic Reeves!"

"Later on we'll be meeting a super trooper in a brown Mini Cooper with a pooper-scooper and that'll be super-duper."

"Later on we'll be meeting a lazy priest with an eye for the ladies - ON THE END OF A CLOTHES POLE?!"

"Later on we'll be meeting the watermark sisters, and you can only see them if you hold them up to a very bright light."

"Later on we'll be meeting a priest with some yeast stuck between his teeth and his friend called Keith who's a hair-piece thief."

Weekenders quotes!

Bob (tersely): "Hallo."
Vic (in a similar fashion): "Hallo. Look, Bob. What the hell d'you think you're doing throwing partially drunk milk bottles through my window?"
Bob: "Well you haven't got a door-bell, have you?"
Vic: "I know we haven't got a door-bell but you could have knocked, couldn't you?"
Bob: "I couldn't actually - I've sprained me wrist."
Vic (quite concerned): "Have you...? How did you do that then?"
Bob: "Throwing the milk bottle through the window."
Vic (after looking angrily into the camera): "Anyway. That's not even my window. (picks up a milk bottle and throws it through another window - smash) That's my window."

Vic: "Can I lay a deposit on that meat?"
Guy from Human League as a salesman: "WHAT!?"
Vic: "Naw! A monetary deposit!"
All: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Bob: "That was a nice fifteen-hour kip."
Vic: "Fifteen's a number, Bob."

"It's a bit of pork - with the meat under the fat." - Bob as Matthew Kelly

"The heat from the fire, has made your legs go red,
I think I'll have to rub Salvon on them, before we go to bed." - Barry White

Bob: "Hey Vic, I've found out who's been nicking our beetroot."
Vic: "Have yer?"
Bob: "Yeah, I caught him red handed!"

Bob talking to Uncle Peter:
Bob: "Why don't you go back up to bed, Pete, eh?"
Peter: "Will you tuck me in please?"
Bob: "Why can't you tuck yourself in?"
Peter: "I'm the elephant man!"
Vic: "Ha ha, you're not the elephant man Peter, you're a human being."
Peter: "Well nobody told me!"

Vic (as Coxy): "Hey, I recognise those two. It's me all-time favourites, Paul and Debbie Daniels!"
Bob (as Evans): "The Paul - The Debbie - The Paul and Debbie twin bin! Open the lid Coxy, I think you'll get a fun surprise."
(Vic opens lid)
Voice of famous magician Daniels is heard to cry: "Not a lot, not a lot" in unison with the opening and closing of the fun bin.

Vic: "Hey, do ya wanna come to a party?"
Bob: "How many owls are comin' Vic?"
Vic: "Two owls!"
Bob: "Yeah, count me in!"

"It's the same at home. Our lass is always fighting with us. She threw a lettuce at me last night - and that was just the tip of the iceberg." - Bob

"And remember, my entrance has got a porch in it." - Bob as Matthew Kelly

"Like Bono in a boob-tube on the choir master's lap."

From Shooting Stars:
"Random system, like a piston, choose your victim!"

Chris Bell (Vic) to Noel Edmonds (Bob): "Alright Noel? Yeaaaaaah..."
And then later: "You liked looking at my nuts, dintchya?"

Vic: "Can you smell onions?"
Bob: "No."
Vic: "What, not even close up?" (pushes onion under Bob's nose)

Bob: "I've got Gulls Balls 1."
Vic: "I've got Gulls Balls 2."
Bob: "I heard that rumour."

Vic: "Do you like my watch?"
Bob: "You're not wearing a watch."
Vic: "No, I was just asking if you liked my watch whilst simultaneously showing you my wrist."

Bloke: "Got any booze for baby?"
Vic: "You can't give a baby booze!"
Bloke: "Err, got any fags for baby then?"
Vic: "I haven't got a fag for the baby!"
Bloke: "Your baby's got a fag!"
Vic: "That is not a baby... it is MICHAEL BLOODY WINNER!"

"My Rose has left me, I'm in a mood.
She went to Kenya with the bloke from Allied Carpets." - Mulligan and O'Hare, from the album Pancake Day.

"Random light, like a lunar module - pick out a guest... fodule, fodule."

More from the Weekenders...

Bob, upon arriving in the toilets to find three identically dressed blokes pampering Vic: "Vic, what the handbag carnival partridge underfelt's going on here!?"

After recently revealed aliens have stopped police in their tracks:

Bob: "What's going on?"
Vic: "He's just frozen them with his special eyeballs so now we've got to get them into that booth."
Bob: "That's not a booth, that's a kiosk."
Vic: "No it's not, there's no shelving in it."
Bob: "No, a kiosk has a counter. Shelving, you're thinking of a pantry."
Vic: "So what's a kiosk without shelving or a counter?"
Bob: "That's a booth."
Vic: "Exactly."
Alien: "Howay yous two! Them's only frozen for thirty seconds!"

Bob: "This little lad, did he have wings like this?"
Vic (sheepishly): "Yes..."
Bob: "And did he have webbed feet, and what can only be described as a beak?"
Vic: "YES!"
Bob: "It wasn't a little boy at all, was it?"
Vic (angrily): "NO, IT WAS A PENGUIN, ALRIGHT?!"

(later) "The bread that satisfies all hunger... the peanut that reverses time..."

(later still) Vic: "Where do you want to go to?"
Bob (after a lot of thought): "Bristol."
Vic: "Why?"
Bob: "It's the only place I know the name of."
Vic: "Yeah, me too..."

Donald Stott (Bob) to Damon Hill: "Damo - do you use a map or do you follow everyone else around?"

"Ah, Jarvis Jarvis Jarvis, the weed in tweed."

"I love the smell of Deborah Winger's fingers!
I love the smell of Noddy Holder's shoulders!
Come along, let's have a sniff of it,
Come on, let's have a little bit,
Come along now, let's have a little bit more!"

"Now I don't know about you, but at about this time of night I like to slip a Caramac under a squirrel." - Vic (Big Night Out)

Bob: "Vic, can you smell onions?"
Vic: (sniffing curiously) "No."
Bob: "What? Not even when they're up close?"

"Now I don't know about you, but at about this time of night I like to slip a petri dish under a rabbit." - Vic (Big Night Out)

A li'l song:

Bob: "I worked at the check-out,"
Vic: "And I buffed up the till,"
Bob: "I worked at the fresh-fruit,"
Vic: "And I buffed up me plums."

"You wouldn't believe what's going on in there! Demi Moore, NUDE! trying to swallow a spacehopper. She says she's done it before on the cover of a magazine, but, I'm not so sure!!!"

Davy: "Donald, are you an explorer?"
Donald: "Yes, I am, on account of my coach trip to Carlisle."
Davy: "Donald, did you take any celery?"
Donald: "No, because I feared wilting might occur."

Uncle Peter's "song":

(furiously drumming and shouting)
"I want to be erotic!
I want to be in Tatler!
But more than that
I tell you that
I want a cup of tea!"

(drumming stops, lights dim, glitterball appears, Uncle Peter rests casually on a stool a la Vince Hill)

"...and Daddy I miss you and I'm fed up!" etc...

"I'm over here!
I'm over here!
And I'm so high up in the tree,
Oh my friend can you see me?
No my friend I can't see you
This plate fungus obscures my view"

"I am me
And you are you
And you are I
And I am too
But somebody obscures my view of you
Really who?
Gerard Diepardeu!!!"

"True or false Ulrika, fun-size Mars bars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for midgets?"

"He's a dreamer and and a schemer and he writes for Arena."

"Later on in the show we've got a tramp with a lamp and a little bit of cramp and a wary canary with a belly full of bolts."

To the tune of "Oh, Mr. Songwriter" from "I Will Cure You":

"Oh, Mr. Magnetic Bullrush
Wave your special glove in an arc,
Prepare a lovely crisp salad
And have sex with a kestrel above a caravan."

"Do not fear the onion.. Why, that's foolish." - Vic as Obi-Wan Kenobi to Bob's Luke Skywalker on his inability to use the force to hit the onion (Shooting Stars).

"IPSWICH???!!!!" - From Big Night Out Live

Agony Aunts, Marvin Gaye and Otis Redding:

Marvin (Bob): "Well Vic, to answer your question, some apples do have pips, and some don't!"

Cox: "And a tin opener."
Evans: "For opening tins of luncheon meat - with."
Cox: "Or tongue, if you're that way inclined."
Evans: "Oh Coxy, tongue - what a lovely thought."

"Y'can't give a baby booze!"

"It's a bit of pork - the meat's under the fat."

"We've just fell off our Honda
My legs are in that tree
I see you're wearing those shoes again
The ones from Italy
YES!"

"In't that fun?" - Tom Fun from Bang Bang!

"I don't stock Curly-Wurlies as they are far too elaborate, however I do stock Walnut Whips." - Mr. Dennis

"What you do is you take a gun - it's a weapon..." - Vic

"Mr. MacKenna, I am fascinated by your hypnotism. Can you tell me, are peanuts soluble?" - Donald Stott to Paul MacKenna (Bang, Bang it's R&M)

Derek: "Is it giro day, Tom?"
Tom: "No Derek, sadly it isn't."

"Well Noel, me and the wife are keen musicians so I'd love to put me organ in cider." - Vic as a guest on "Noel's Addicts"

"I've been courting Angus Deayton regularly! Someone's going to pay for this and it's not going to be me!" - Vic's anger at the discovery that Uncle Peter has a job on "Have I Got News For You"

"I got sewious weservations about this Paul." - Tony Baron from "The Club"

Vic: "Do you remember the time we worked in the chemists?"
Bob: "I sold the green bottles,"
Vic: "And I sold the red bottles,"
Bob: "Mine said for headaches,"
Vic: "And mine said fu' coughs."

Vic: "Do you remember the time we went to a fancy dress party?"
Bob: "I went in costume,"
Vic: "And I went inebriated,"
Bob: "I was Cleopatra,"
Vic: "And I was clearly drunk."

"It's round about this time of night that I like to slip a petri dish under a squirrel." - Vic Reeves in Big Night Out

Kinky John: "I cannot believe I have been usurped on my own territory by this jerkoff Les Dennis. Did I ever tell you about the time I was usurped in Japan when I was driving trains for the king of ba... bbaaavvvb... bavary?"
Carl: "What you gonna do, John?"
Kinky John: "I am going to get shit-faced."

Tom Fun: "Oh, Derek. It's a cheeky chicken."
Derek: "Why is it so cheeky?"
Tom Fun: "Perhaps it uses coarse language at passers-by. There's only one way to find out."

(the cheeky chick rotates through 360 degrees and lays an egg)

Derek: "It's a piece of plastic string, Tom."
Tom Fun: "No Derek, open it up. It's a rain hat, and that's a lotta fun."

Chris: "I know someone who fancies you."
Carl: "Who?"
Chris: "Me."
Carl: "That's stupid."
Chris: "I know! I know someone who fancies you."
Carl: "Who?"
Chris: "You. You fancy yourself."

Chris: "Paul Baron's not a duck. Quack!"

Chris: "Can I have 2 weeks off?"
Carl: "Are you going on holiday?"
Chris: "Yeah."
Carl: "Are you takin' your big fat mother with yer?"
Chris: "I might do."
Carl: "Where you goin'?"
Chris: "Dunno. A river."
Carl: "Which one?"
Chris: "I dunno... Thames?"

"That's gotta be a boon for the side-parter in a hurry..."

"I hate turkeys, they're just fat bastard chickens."

"Geordie Jeans - they are especially tight around the arse."

"You lying get!" - The Living Carpets

Bob: "Are you gonna give 'em their pension books back then Vic?"
Vic: "Oh you wouldn't let it LIE!"

"My Gaminex mac was bequeathed to me by my father who was the editor of Rolling Stone magazine. He was sadly electrocuted in Florida for crimes of which I am ignorant." - Graham Lister, Big Night In

Vic: "That's a Reeves and Mortimer product."
Bob: "That's?..."
Vic: "Reeves and Mortimer." - Smell of R&M

"Oh meaty pie, how you make me cry." - from "Viz Top Tips" video (Bob's meaty pie reminds him of his deceased grandma, because he uses her old dentures as a pastry cutter)

"Ulrika, you are a.......... twat!" - Bob's song for Ulrika

"Duncan balls, Duncan balls, play with them and they do fall." - Bob

"You like men, don't you Mark!" - Vic & Bob

"True or False, women's ear hair stings like nettles if not grasped firmly?" - Shooting Stars

"I'm staying in tonight to polish my sunglasses." - Vic singing to himself in a BBC documentary

"It's around about this time of the day that I like to put some Golden Grahams onto a shrimp's eye - around about 14 in general!" - Vic in the Big Night Out on tour!

Davey (seeing a big picture of the Stotts): "Look, Don! It's a mirror - it's a mirror!"
(stands and looks at it for a bit) "No... no it's not, Donald. It's just shadows."

"Ulrika - you know Wolf from Gladiators? Is he a real wolf?" - Bob

"So dark... so scary." - Dr. Richard Slater

"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wahyo! Too late." - George Dawes, Shooting Stars Xmas special

Carl: "No Chris... Stack 'em like the Hooch!"
Chris: "I know... I know... Right then!"

Chris: "Paul Baron's a long haired puff!"
Carl: "Yer wouldn't say that to his face would yer?"
Chris: "No I wouldn't!"
Carl: "Well don't say it now then."
Chris: "I never!"
Carl: "Yes yer did Chris, I heard yer."
Chris: "Right, I won't!"

"I like pencils, I like wood,
I like various consumer goods." - Morrisey The Consumer Monkey

"I AM THE APHID AND I DEMAND TO SEE THAT LEO SAYER CLIP AGAIN." - Bob as The Aphid on FAW referring to the funniest comedy moment I have ever seen

"He does stables as well. So just watch it." - Vic on FAW

"We ate thousands of parsnips,
And never asking why,
In the summer of seventy-five" - Tinker's Rucksack

"Noel, the first thing I ever put in cider, was a bread bin."


"Well Noel, both me and the wife are keen musicians, so I'd love to put me organ in cider!"