Short jokes 
 
 Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
 The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!" 
Q: Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
 A: Because you could put another pair of tits in there.
 Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
 A: A bingo machine. 
A dog with one leg walks into a western bar and says to the bartender......
 "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw...." 
 Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? 
 A: Michael Jackson's hand. 
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
 A: The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out. 
Q: How can you tell the porn star at the petrol station?
 A: Just as the petrol starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the
 petrol all over the car. 
Q: What's the difference between spots and a priest?
 A: Spots usually come on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. 
Q: What do you call 4 dogs with no balls?
 A: The Spice Girls! 
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
 A: Depends on how hard you throw them. 
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic stag night?
 A: The cake jumps out of the girl. 
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
 A: Full. 
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
 A: Mace. 
Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
 A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car. 
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
 A: Hanson. 
Q: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
 A: Because if they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud. 
Q: Did you hear about the "guilty nanny diet?"
 A: A few healthy shakes for breakfast & lunch and a vegi for dinner.
 Q: How can you tell if your wifes cooking is really lousy? 
 A: Pygmies from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it. 
 Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking? 
 A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. 
 Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
 A: You get to meet new people every day. 
 Q: What's white and clings to a toilet wall? 
 A: George Michael's latest release. 
 Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
 during root canal work?
 A: He wanted to transcend dental medication. 
 Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
 A: Linda McCartney. 
 Q: What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
 A: 39 year old meat between 11 year old buns 
Q: What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
 A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!.... and O.J walked! 
 Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff?
 A. They push back harder. 
 Q: Whats brown and smells nice?
 A: A lump of Shit in a bubble bath. 
Q: What's 20 feet long and smells of piss?
 A: The conga line at an old peoples home party

 
Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts for my birthday?
A: Because you have cancer, son.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What's 12 inches long, stiff in the morning and makes women scream ?
A: Cot-death.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's the ultimate in rejection?
A: When your wanking hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he got his nob stuck in the chicken?
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phoney buck.
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69.
His wife says "why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
Incest is the game  the whole family can play.
The thing about heroin is…
It’s so morish
Q. How many policemen does it take to break an egg?
A. None. It must have fallen down the stairs
Q. How do you separate the men from the boys in a monastery?
A. With a crow bar
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
A: Fucks funny!
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!

 
 
Why don't lobsters share?
They're shellfish
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
How do you double the value of a lada?
Fill it with petrol.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.
What happened to the survivors of a collision of a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned
What did the ship's officer say when the wino on the dock tried to slip aboard the tour ship?
"I'm sorry, but beggars can't be cruisers."
A fish walks into a bar. "What can I get you ?" asks the landlord.
The fish croaks "Water..."
So this Baby seal walks into a club...Fucking tragedy.
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
What would you have if everyone in the UK bought a pink VW?
A pink carnation.
If tyres hold up cars, what holds up an aeroplane?
Hijackers.
What kind of vehicle is useful for people with tired feet?
A toe truck
How will history remember Bill Clinton?
He was the president after Bush.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.