"TITANIC"
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Jack Daniels: Liam Gallagher
Rose DeTwit BachmanTurnerOverdrive Etc. Etc. the Third: Patsy Kensit
Caledon Hockaloogie: Noel Gallagher
Crock Lovett: Bonehead Arthurs
Jethro Bodine: Paul McGuigan

ACT 1


[Darkness. Two glowing lights appear, traveling close together. They grow brighter, moving quickly toward the camera.]
Liam: Ow!! Damn, I burned me hand again.
Noel: Mam told you not to play with the fookin' matches. Give us a fag.
[Darkness again.]
[Cut to one of those big treasure hunting boat thingies. Crock Lovett and Jethro Bodine are playing with the TVs and various underwater cameras and other insignificant junk.]
Jethro: Hey. Check it out. The Titanic.
Crock: Yep. Groovy.
Jethro: Okay, what are we doing again?
Crock: We're trying to desecrate what is basically a mass underwater grave to steal a big ol' honkin' diamond that belonged to someone else. Then, we will get massive amounts of money for it and still come out looking noble.
Jethro: Oh yeah. Good plan.
[The camera moves through the wreckage of the Titanic, passing the ruined remains of the once luxurious ship. A piano, a staircase, a chandelier, a Pizza Hut box...]
Crock: Oi! I thought I said no littering, ya poof!
Jethro: Sorry.
[The camera floats into a bedroom suite, the dudes move a big door over, find a safe, you know the drill.]
Crock: Yes! Man, there's no greater feeling than just recklessly thrashing through artifacts of a huge tragedy to get rich. I'm tellin' ya. What's that smell....Jethro, put out the bloody joint.
[They open the safe and don't find the diamond, mass disappointment ensues. (Audience Cue: "Awww. Rats.")]
Jethro: Hey, wait a minute, Boney. I found summat! Early 1900's porno!
Crock: Alright! So the expedition wasn't a TOTAL loss....
Guy On The Telephone: We're gonna have to ask you to turn everything you found in the safe over to us for placement in the museum.
Jethro: Yeah, whatever. Get stuffed.
Guy On The Telephone: Including that drawing of the naked woman.
Crock: Um...what drawing of the naked woman? I see no....oh, man! Turn that bloody camera off! We're on national fookin' television.
[An old grandma is sitting at home watching TV with her granddaughter.]
Old Grandma: Oh! Look, dearie! It's my August 1920 Farmer's Almanac centerfold insert! How on earth did they get ahold of that? Oh wait...that's not what that is...oh my God...(Audience Cue: "They killed Kenny!!!")
Phone: Ring, ring!
Crock: Get the phone, Guigs. Er, Jethro.
Jethro: Hello, treasure hunting boat in the middle of the ocean, can I help you?
Old Grandma: Listen here, you little perverts, I don't know what kind of a racket you're trying to run here, but I want my naked picture back!
Jethro: Yewhat?
Old Grandma: I know your sort. Ya get tired of lookin' at them naked photos of Cindy Crawford, so you think you can make a buck off vintage porn. Well, that's my porn, and I want it back!
Jethro: Crock? It's for you.
[Okay, so they figure out that Old Grandma is actually Rose DeTwit BachmanTurnerOverdrive Etc. Etc. the Third and decide to fly her out to the ship just to make sure she's telling the truth.]
Rose: There's 15 more suitcases on that helicopter that you can bring out, baldy.
Crock: Oi!
Rose: And when you're done with that, my aquarium is in the back.
Jethro: Fookin' 'ell, Granny, why didn't you just bring the bloody summer home, too?
Rose: That's coming in another copter. Now let me see my porn.
[They take her in to look at her porn.]
Crock: *aside to Jethro* Gawr, Guigs, can you believe that that bombshell in the picture is the same person as ol' Droopy Drawers over 'ere?
Rose: What was that??
Crock: Er, I was just tellin' Jethro here about how much I hate...er...groupie whores. That's it.
Rose: Yeah, right. Man, I can remember everything about the moment this drawing was made.
Jethro: I should hope so, you're stark naked. I think I'd remember it too if I went around stripping so people could draw me picture.
Rose: Shut up.
Jethro: I mean, just barin' all for any old joe who calls himself an artist isn't something you just block from memory. Y'know, if I went round all the time...
Rose: SHUT UP!
Crock: Can the movie be over now, I could use a G&T.
Rose: No. Now it's time for me to have a flashback that will last just a little longer than the two days these things actually happened in.
Jethro: Erm....we'll, uh, just let you have that flashback in peace, Granny. We'll be back in a couple days....
Rose: You just sit there and shut up. And tape record this, because for some odd reason I haven't ever told this story before, and I probably won't ever again.

ACT 2


Rose: Call me Ishmael....
Crock: Not funny, Granny.
Rose: It's been 124 years....
Jethro: Woah, woah, woah!!
Rose: Oh, that's right. 84. Sorry, I'm senile. Anyway, it's been 84 years and I can still smell all the money I used to have. I was filthy, filthy rich....where was I?
Crock: Um, the Titanic?
Rose: Oh yeah. So we got out of this car...a Rolls Royce, by the way...and looked up at this big boat....
[The flashback begins. Cut to supposedly impressive shot of big boat. (Audience Cue: "Ooooooo. Ahhhhhhh.")]
Caledon: Okay, somebody get a bloody bellboy, or whatever, over here to get these bags...wait, forget that, just drive the whole Rolls in there. And then make sure they've got room for me guitar collection. Somebody rent a suite for me guitars! I don't care if there's not one empty, throw a few peasants off or summat.
Rose: Wait! Caledon! There's a furrier's shop over there, I need another coat!
Caledon: Woman, you need another coat like you need another bleach job. Get your arse on the boat.
Rose: Fine. Maid, make sure you bring my record collection.
Caledon: Do you have to bring them fookin' records everywhere you go? They're rubbish. Look at this one..."Parklife" by Blur. Let me tell you, these guys won't amount to shite.
[Meanwhile, over in the local pub....]
Fonzy: Look, Jack! We've just won two tickets to America on the Titanic! We are so lucky!
Jack: I won two tickets to America, and who said I was takin' you with me, you Italian git! I'm gonna find some bird to go with me.
Fonzy: Okay....take me with you or I will have all these other immigrants kill you.
Jack:......Olright, then, when you put it that way. Oh, but by the way, while we're all sitting here being clever, the boat's leaving.
[They run after the boat but can't catch it, so they quickly jump into the official aircraft of the ESPN XGames, fly above the boat, and skysurf down onto the deck. (Audience Cue: "Huh?" Editor's Note: Sorry, I just had to find some way to make this whole plot more interesting.)]
Deck Dude: Hey. What do you two think you're doing??
Jack: Oi! Fook off! We've got tickets!
Deck Dude: That's not what I meant. That Henhouse Surprise you did halfway down was all wrong. And that Tydy Bowl In The Hole...don't get me started. (Editor's Note: I know what you're thinking. Those are names for skysurfing techniques.)
Jack: Smartarse.
Deck Dude: Now get down to the bottom of the boat with the other passengers that look like monkeys.
Jack: Oi! Damon, is that you?
Deck Dude: Um....no. Now get lost.
[Back in First Class....("We're movin' on up....to the sky....")]
Rose: I don't love you, Caledon.
Caledon: Awww, come on, Pats. Liam'll never know.
Rose: I don't love you, CALEDON, said the girl IN THE MOVIE.
Caledon: Oh. Yeah. The movie. Um....sure you do. Who doesn't love me? I'm pretty fookin' lovable. But just to help you figure this out, I've bought you this bloody great big fookin' blue diamond thing. Erm....the Manchester City Diamond. (Audience Cue: "WOAH!")
Rose: WOAH! You're right. I DO love you.
Caledon: Aren't you supposed to, like, still NOT love me?
Rose: Um...nope. I don't remember that being in the script. I totally love you. Now I'm going up on deck to show this sucker off.
Caledon: Fook you are. Give that back, it's going in me safe.
Rose: Nevermind. I DON'T love you. I'm going up on deck to commit suicide.
Caledon: Olright, have fun.
[Up on deck....]
Fonzy: Isn't it funny that they make such an effort to keep First Class and Third Class passengers separated, yet we can wander freely around the deck together?
Jack: Helloooo nurse. Check out that bird over there.
Fonzy: No way, man. She's too good for you.
Jack: Yewhat? Too good for ME? ME? Do you know who you're talkin' to, mate?? Fook off!
[Jack tosses Fonzy off the boat and then turns to see Rose climbing up on a rail and preparing to jump off.]
Jack: OI! WHAT'RE YOU DOING? (Editor's Note: Always appear out of nowhere and speak suddenly and loudly to people who are dangling off a ledge.)
[He scares the bejesus out of Rose and she falls overboard.]
Jack: Oops.
[He goes to the edge and looks over. Rose is hanging on by one hand.]
Jack: Sorry about that. I'll see ya later.
Rose: HELP ME!
Jack: What do you mean, help you? You were fookin' committing suicide to begin with, now shove off. Want me to stomp on your hand?
Rose: I changed my mind, help me!
Jack: Fookin' women.
[He pulls her up on deck.]
Jack: Olright, now you owe me a little favor....
Rose: Forget it.
Jack: Hey, baby, I know you're gaggin' for it. (Editor's Note: Lori-Jo says Liam uses this charming little phrase a lot. ; )
Rose: Get lost, you.
Jack: Are you trying to tell me something?
Rose: You can't afford me.
Jack: I'm really rich. I've got me own rock band.
Rose: *perking up* Rock band? How old are you?
Jack: 25.
Rose: Perfect, I'm 43. Er...17. Do you promise to buy me a fur when we get off the boat in America?
Jack: Fook off, you.....wait.....yeah, sure. I'll buy you a fur just as soon as we get off this boat in America.
Rose: I'm so happy! I've found a young rock star with a ton of money who will buy me whatever I want who I can marry and then someday divorce for a huge settlement! I feel like I'm flying!
Jack: What was all that? You're fixin' to think flying, start flapping....
Rose: Um...I mean...I found the, uh, love of my life! I feel like I'm flying!
Jack: Quit saying that, it's lame.
Caledon: Oi! What the fook are you doing with my woman!
Rose: Oh! This is my fiancee that I forgot to tell you about. He just bought me the biggest diamond in the world, but I'm gonna dump him.
Jack: Yeah, dump him. He looks like a twat to me.
Caledon: I'll show you who's a twat, you fookin' little shite.
Rose: I just love it when men fight over me.
Jack: Who's fighting over YOU, you slag? I saved your life, now run along.
Caledon: What'd you do that for?
Rose: Hey!
Caledon: Um...I mean, come to dinner so I can show my appreciation for your saving my bird, and also so I can kick your sorry arse in public.
Jack: Sounds good.
[Later at dinner....]
Rich Dude: So, who's this monkey-faced git?
Jack: Shut up, Alan!
Caledon: This is the monkey-faced git what saved me bird's life, only she's not me bird anymore 'cause she's trying to have an affair with the monkey-faced git.
Jack: Oi! I've had enough of this. Rose, let's go.
Rose: Wait. I want you to draw a picture of me naked.
Jack: I can't draw. We could shag, though.
Rose: Alright. We'll find a backseat of a car someplace, because if the fact that I'm willing to cheat on my fiancee with the first guy that comes along doesn't make me look like a prostitute, that definitely will.
Caledon: I'm keeping the diamond!
[Rose and Jack run off to commit various immoral acts in other people's expensive cars, and meanwhile, all heck breaks loose.]
Deck Dude: Captain! We've just hit an iceberg!
Captain: That sucks. Well, I suppose we should've listened to those hundred or so warnings we got over the radio that told us to watch out for icebergs. Man the lifeboats.
[Back in Caledon's suite....]
Caledon: Oh look! Somebody left me some porn. Well, wasn't that nice. Wait a minute...it was probably Liam trying to make me forget about kicking his arse. Well, it's not gonna be that easy. I'll just accuse him of stealing the diamond. And I'll just put this back in the safe for later....
[Moments later....]
Deck Dude: You're under arrest!
Jack: Look, officer, I swear it's not mine...erm...it's just...salt! Er...laundry detergent, yeah, that's what it is.
Deck Dude: Shut up and get down here so I can handcuff you to this pipe.
Rose: Oh no! I have to save Jack!
[Rose runs down the stairs and runs into Jack who is running up.]
Rose: Jack! How did you escape?
Jack: It was only a furnace pipe, I just busted it off. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to pay a visit to Noel. Eh, Caledon.
Rose: But the ship is sinking! We have to get off!
Jack: Good, then, maybe I'll get a chance to kill him twice. There he is!
Caledon: Get over here and get your arse kicked like a man!
Jack: Fook off, Noel, I'll bloody murder you.
Caledon: Oh really? What're you gonna do?
Jack: Do you think I'd leave home without me TAMBORINE??
Caledon: Oh, bloody 'ell....
[They take off chasing each other around the boat.]
Rose: Oh well, I'm gettin' out of here.
[Rose gets in a lifeboat. The lifeboat floats out to sea, and meanwhile, the Titanic sinks.]
Rose: Oh no. Both of them gone. And they were both so rich, too. But I have to be brave...because there are other rock stars out there...and besides, I'm going to grow old and get married and lead a happy, somewhat normal life, and then when I die, instead of spending eternity with my faithful husband, I'll spend it with some guy I knew for a whole day and a half back when I was 17....(Editor's Note: Sorry, I know that the movie wouldn't have meant quite so much to everyone without that last look at Leonardo DiCreepio in a tux, but the ease with which Rose forgot the husband she supposedly spent her whole life with just struck me as strange.)
[Suddenly, voices are heard out of the darkness....]
Caledon: This is all your fault. I told you not to toss that fag in the bloody boiler room.
Jack: That's not what sank it, you nit. Keep paddling.
Rose: Caledon! Jack! You've come back to me!
Caledon: Erm....no. We're going back to fookin' Manchester. We've got an album to do.
Jack: Send us a postcard from America, olright? Cheers, luv.

ACT 3


[Back to present day....]
Rose: And so, that's why I've returned for my porn.
Crock: Awww. Because it's a reminder of your one true love?
Rose: No. Because it's got the creep's address on the back somewhere....ahh, here it is. I'm flying over to Manchester and making those two regret leaving ME out in the middle of the ocean....let's see, how can I begin to ruin their lives....maybe I'll MARRY one of 'em....

(while the credits are rolling, a lovely version of "My Heart Will Go On" by.......Marilyn Manson. ; )

THE END