TOP TIPS AS NOT SEEN IN VIZ MAGAZINE      WWW.VIZ.CO.UK
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Help the local police by popping into the mortuary every day to see if you can identify any of the bodies.
Townies. Whenever you see country folk driving into town in their green Range Rovers to go shopping, jump up and down screaming "Get off my land!" Then shoot their dog.
To stop nose bleeds simply place your head between your knees until your heart stops.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.