Longish jokes

Three o'clock in the afternoon. The sun is shining. An average household. Mum, Dad and their six year-old kid.
Kid: "Daddy, can I play play with Grandma?"
Dad, lowering his newspaper: "No, Honey, not now."
Five minutes later. Kid: "Daddy, may I see Grandma and play with her... Please?"
Dad, eyes frowning: "Sweety, I said not now."
Mum: "Come on, Darling. She hasn't seen her grandmother for a week."
Dad, noisily putting down his newspaper, obviously minding getting up, shouting: "Okay! But that is the last time I'll exhume her!"
 
One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted.
"Watson stand up!"
Confused, Watson stood up.
"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked.
Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers.
"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered.
Watson bent over.
Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse.
Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth are you doing?"
To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..."
 
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any lifesigns?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was, 'til I turned his head around the right way
 

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt)!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

 
What's black and blue and hates sex? A rape victim!
 
How do you get a clown off of a swing? Hit him in the face with an axe.
 
Q: What does a dog do that a boy steps into? A: PANTS.
 
All of Jake's friends always got mad at him cause no matter how bad a situation was he would always say "it could be worse". Finally his friends decided to make up something that he couldn't say "it could be worse" about. When they were playing golf one day Steve said to Jake, "did you hear what happened to Fred?". Jake said no and asked what happened. Steve said that Fred came home Thursday and found his wife in bed with another man and killed them both and then turned the gun on himself. Jake said oh that's horrible but "it could be worse". "How could it be any worse than that", Steve asked. "Well", Jake said, "if it happened a day earlier, I'd be dead."
 
It's world war two. There was an English soldier, a Scottish soldier and an Irish soldier, all on a mission for the british army. The idea is that they bomb the shit out of Germany (unsurprisingly), but before they get to it, the plane is shot.. but by sme weird coincidence, they shoot the place here all the parachutes are stored. So the guys decide to sit it out, and see if they survive (as if), and by some strange coincidence, they do survive, but the Germans jump on the plane, so they hide in these sacks. The Germans come aboard the plane, and kick the sack the english guy is in, and he goes 'miouw', and the german goes, 'it's ook, das ist just a cat'. they go and kick the second sack, the one with the scottsman in it and he goes 'woof' so they think it's just a dog. They get to the sack with the irishman in it, kick it and the irishman goes 'potatoes'!
 
A sweet young thang was having her annual check-up at the dentist's. He gave her the usual "Now this won't hurt a bit," as he leaned over her to begin. Seconds later, he drew back in shock and exclaimed, "Miss! You have hold of my testicles." "Yes, I know doctor," she replied. "And we aren't going to hurt each other at all, are we?"
 
What does a guy with a 12 inch cock eat for breakfast? "I usually have cornflakes"
 
A man is walking down the street, when he can't help noticing that the man in front of him has an orange for a head. Overwhelmed by curiosity, he taps the orange-headed man on the shoulder and asks him why he has an orange for a head. "Well," says the orange-headed man,"I found a magic lamp the other day, I rubbed it and out came a genie who gave me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked for $20,000,000." "And did you get it?" the man asked. "Yes, it was fantastic," the orange-headed man replied,"Then I wished for a group of young women to satisfy my every sexual desire." "And did you get them?" "Yes, it was incredible." "And what about your third wish?" "Well ... " said the orange-headed man," ... I wished I had an orange for a head."
 
Q: What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? A: Cut their noses off
 
Two blonde girls are standing on either side of a fairly deep and wide river. Blonde #1 hollars across to blonde #2 "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?" Blonde #2 ponders for a moment and looks up and down the river, then hollers back "YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE!!"
 
An indian brave goes to see his chief. Excuse me Chief, he says, is it correct that you are responsible for naming all the new born children? Yes, says the chief. How do you go about that then? asks the brave. Simple he says. When ever a new baby is born I look around for inspiration. For instance, a baby girl was born this morning and when I looked up the sun was rising so she is called little sunrise. Anyway, Two Dogs Fucking, why the interest?
 
What do you call a women who can balance a pint of lager on her head
while playing snooker? Beatrix Potter!
 
There was a young Curate from Crewe,
Who was having it off in a pew,
He said "I much prefer the Vicar,
He's slicker and quicker,
He's also much thicker than you !
 
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
 So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
 They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
 The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
 
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
 The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
 The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
 The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
 
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.
 Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
 The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
 
This bloke walks into a pub and asks the barman, "I'll have a pint of lager please" .The barman goes to pull his pint but the barrel is empty, "I'm just going to change the barrel mate, I'll be back in a mo". So while he's waiting the bloke hears a strange voice, "Like your hair mate", the bloke turns round but their ain't anyone there so he just ignores it. Again he hears another voice "Core nice suit mate"; again there's no one there. This time he's getting worried when he hears another voice," Lovely tie mate", now the blokes really worried. The barman returns, "You all right mate he asks the bloke", "No, I keep hearing these strange voices", the barman replies "Oh don't worry they are just the complementary peanuts".
 
  A man goes to the doctor complaining of a painful arm. So the doctor puts his stethoscope onto his arm just above the wrist and hears what sounds like "Lend us a fiver", puzzled at this he moves his stethoscope to just below his elbow and hears "Lend us a tenner", he then places the stethoscope at the top of arm and hears “Lend us fifteen quid"!
 "What's the matter Doc?" the man asks.
 "Your arm's broke in three places." 
 
  Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.
 "Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.
 "I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.
 "Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."
 "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."
 She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
 The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
 "There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"
 "I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"
 
An Englishman, a Welshman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.  Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Welshman had his hand against his face as he had been brutally punched.   The Welshman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'   Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Welshman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and smack that Welsh twat again.' 
 
A deaf judge, prior to passing sentence, asks the defendant if  he has anything to say.
"Fuck all!", shouts the man in the dock.
 The judge didn't quite catch this, and so leans forward to the Clerk of the Court.
 "What did he say?"
 "He said 'Fuck all', M'lud"
 "Oh, I could have sworn I saw his lips move" 
 
A man walks into the doctor’s office and pops his cock out.
"Well, what's wrong with that?", asks the doctor. "Nowt, it's a beauty ain't it".
 
A man walks into a pub. "Landlord, I'd like an entendre, please".
 "Certainly sir. A single or a double"?
 "A double please".
 "Ooo-er, a large one..!" 
 
A boy asks his mum, "Is God a man or a woman?"
The mum thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both a man and a woman!"
The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."
The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mummy?"
The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay and straight."
The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question:
"Is God Michael Jackson?" 
 
Once upon a time 7 dwarfs were knocking on a convent's gates and demanding entry. They were let in and led to the Mother Superior. She was a tough old nun and asked the dwarfs:
"Well, what do you want?"
So bashful asked shyly:     "Do you have a nun less than a metre tall?"
The Mother Superior pondered the question for a while and replied negatively. When the rest of the dwarfs heard the answer they burst into laughter and started shouting:
"Bashful fucked a penguin! Bashful fucked a penguin!" 
 
One day Superman was flying though the air and was thinking, "Man I gotta get laid," he said to himself. Just then he saw Wonderwoman laying nude on the beach. So he thought up a plan. "I'll fly down there, fuck her real fast, fly away, and she'll never know what hit her," he said. So he flew down real fast, pumped a couple of times and flew off. Then she sat up and said, "What in the hell was that." Then the invisible man sat up and said, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts."
 
A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date?
"Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a twelve year old to be using?" 
 

A mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
Puzzled, the pharmacist unzips his pants, slaps down a five, puts his member on the counter and then, just as quickly picks up both bills and stuffs them into his pocket.
Exasperated, the mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says... "If you're going to get mad when you lose, you probably shouldn't bet." 
 
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger? 
 
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade, sipping a beer and listening to the radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing it up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
   The man's next-door neighbour saw the woman battling with the mower and shouted across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung."
  "I am." the man shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
 
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are having drinks in Paris.
  The waiter asks " L'aperitif?"
    All of them answer "Oui!"
    The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"
  Zedillo: "Oui!"
   The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
   Yeltsin: "Oui!"
   Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?"
   Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!!!"
 
  A woman gets home, runs into her house, and slams the door and shouts “Honey pack your bags I won the lottery."
  The husband says "Wow!! That’s great!!  Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
   She says, "I don't care.  Just fuck off.” 
 
A guy is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date. As he’s kissing her goodnight,
  he pulls down his zipper, takes out his cock, and puts it in her hand.
   She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!"
  She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the path, storms in the house, and slams the front door. Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the guy is standing there.
     He says, "And I've got two words for you...let go!"
 
A guy's slashing, he doesn't realise his zipper's open, and he almost cuts off his dick.
His dick looks up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fist fights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me." 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping.
   As they look up to the sky, Holmes says, "Watson, tell me what you see."
  Watson says, "I see millions of stars."
   Holmes says, "And what does that tell you?"
    Watson says, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
  Holmes says, "Somebody stole our fucking tent."
 
A woman is getting ready for a shower. She’s standing there naked, just about to go in, when there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?"  calls the woman. A voice answers, "I'm a blind salesman." The woman thinks it would be quite a thrill to have a blind man in the room while she is naked, so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks up at her, and his jaw drops, then, as a broad grin spreads over his face, he says,
 "Well, I was going to try to sell you a blind...."
 
An Indian scout was checking the area on behalf of some buffalo hunters, searching for the herds. He put his ear to the ground. "Ugg", he said, "Buffalo come!"
  The hunters looked at him with awe. "How the hell can you tell that?" asked one. The scout answered,   "Simple. Ear sticky."
 
 A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts "What are you?" asks the man at the door who's introducing the guests over the PA System "I’m a premature ejaculation," replies the bloke. "I can't say that over the mike,” says the doorman, "the town Mayor and the local Vicar are inside, you'll have to tone it down a bit."
  "Well just tell everyone I've come in my pants!"
 
  Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
     "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
  "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
  "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and    shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
 
   A mother and her young son go to the zoo one day. As they pass the elephant pen, the son points to the elephant's penis and says, "What's that?"
   The mother replies, "That's nothing," and hurries on to the next animals.
   A few weeks later, the boy's father takes him to the zoo, and they come to the elephant pen. Again the boy points to the elephant's penis and asks,   "What's that?"
   The father explains, "That's the elephant's penis."
  The boy says, "Mom said that it was nothing."
   The father replies, "Yeah, well, your mum is spoiled."
 
A Woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
     > 1 bar of soap
     > 1 toothbrush
   > 1 tube toothpaste
    > 1 loaf of bread
    > 1 pint of milk
      > 1 single serving cereal
    > 1 single serving frozen dinner
  The guy at the checkout looks at her and says   "Single are you?"
  The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
   He replies, "Because you are fucking ugly."
 
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck".
 
A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies,
"HELL, NO! Look what it’s done to your underwear."
 
There was a lady, after a rough divorce, who was looking for a purely sexual relationship. In order to find someone to fill this position, she places a classified ad in a local paper advertising her needs. Later, she is talking on the phone to a friend about how poor the response when the doorbell rings. She gets off the phone and goes to answer the door. To her dismay, there is no one there. "Down here" she hears. She looks down to see a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on her doorstep. "How can I help you?"
"I'm here about your ad"
"But you have no arms and no legs, how can you help?"
"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?!"
 
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!" 
 
 A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door.
 It's opened by a little four year old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a hard core porn magazine under his arm.
 Salesman: "Hello sonny. Is your mum or dad in?"
 Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?" 

Onto the longer jokes