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| Talk while pretending to be asleep. Say things like 'Soon, then the room will be mine alone, so much blood, all mine.' |
| Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. |
| Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out
of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back
down and grin. |
| Speak in tongues. |
| Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more to them than meets the eye." |
| Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "Casablanca") almost inaudibly. |
| Buy as many back issues of Country Living as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. |
| Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. |
| Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. |
| Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. |
| Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. |
| Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colours on your dresser.
Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the
one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation. |
| Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your
roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. |
| Listen to radio static. If you're questioned, explain 'I know they're out there. I can hear them.' |
| Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the
magazines. |
| Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while,
then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month. |
| Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After
two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate. |
| Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor. |
| Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door. |
| Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone. |
| Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying
the test results came back positive. When your
roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it. |
| Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again
Christian and dreadfully regret your actions.
Explain to your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies. |
| Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. |
| Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them. |
| Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you. |
| Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snigger at your roommate every morning. |
| Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" |
| Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." |
| Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, so very soon...." |
| Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. |
| Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at
the lonely pencil. |
| While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your
head, and moan. |
| Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window
as you normally would. |
| Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly
yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." |
| Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." |
| Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it
around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" |
| Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. |
| Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
jump around the room. Get another can of beans.
Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. |
| Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!" |
| Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!" |
| Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study. |
| Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub it frantically |
| Keep a harem of thirty childrens dolls. Ask if your roommate "has any desires." |
| Smash your roommate's favourite cassettes and wrap the tape around
your naked body, running around the apartment
screaming "Fly, be free! Fly, be free!" |
| Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't there. |
| Get a copy of your roommate's car key. Turn his/her car around in its
parking space. A few days later, move it to the next
space. A few days after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving the car to a different lot. |
| Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while." |
| Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in. |
| Create a computer database listing EVERYTHING in your dorm room. Each
time your roommate uses a piece of paper,
takes a coke out of the refrigerator, or eats a chocolate bar, grumble loudly and go through an elaborate process of deleting that record. Mutter, "See what s/he puts me through!" |
| Collect a large supply of jokes insulting your roommate's ethnicity,
gender, degree, etc. Constantly tell them to your
roommate. When s/he doesn't laugh, look surprised and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were..." Do this at least five times a day. |
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