|
|
DEEP THOUGHTS
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of our family died of tuberculosis.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the earth, and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as if you're going to fall in.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That'swhy it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks reallytake off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged
his coat tighter around himself. Too tight,
as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined
the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
==========
If you ever
catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet
that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
==========
Instead of
having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions,"
and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
==========
I can picture
in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture
us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
==========
==========
Here's a
good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First
take out the rubbish. Then go around and collect any extra rubbish that
people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty
soon people will want to meet the busy rubbish guy.
==========
Sometimes
I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you
don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.
If your friend
is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed
some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some
tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
==========
Most of the
time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days,
when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and
think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
==========
I'd like
to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of
a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
==========
If I was
the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty,
just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
I have the power to channel my imagination
into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still
moan, whimper and complain.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Hope that it is not your sole purpose
in life to
simply serve as a warning to others.
Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt
worn by a bomb disposal expert
"If you see me running, try to
keep up."
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled
water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about it.....
The upper hand is on the other foot
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL
THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
************************************************************
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 238,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder,
Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under
medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser
- 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser
- 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay
in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine
cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish
- 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner
of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner
of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Darwin Awards Part One
DARWIN AWARD WINNER
FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the
Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool
the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was
an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed
into a cliff several hundred feet above the road.
And now, the 1997 winner:
Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning
accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high
school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself
with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had
a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store
and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons,
when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely
strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper
of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test
while it was still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work,
Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet
gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went
back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun
and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet
above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite
work out that way.
When he cut the cord
anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet.
Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.
He didn't level of at
30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled
off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons,
lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there,
drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in
trouble.
He found himself drifting
into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first
spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair
with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above
the airport.
LAX emergency procedures
swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the
ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry
out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the
helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous,
they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push
Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter
ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line.
Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was
flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was
hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating
LAX airspace.
As he was led away in
handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done
it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
Answers:
1. 116 years, from
1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and
horses.
4. November. The Russian
calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name
was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he
came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future
king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years,
of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Fuck is perhaps one
of the most interesting and exciting words in the English language. Fuck is
the one magical word which just by its sound can describe pleasure, pain, hate,
and love. Fuck comes from the German word, "frikon". In language, "fuck" falls
into many grammatical categories. Fuck can be used as a verb both transitive
(he fucked her) and intransitive (she was fucked by him),
an active verb (he
really gives a fuck),
a passive verb (she
really doesn't give a fuck),
an adverb (she is
fucking interested in him) and
a noun (she is a fine
fuck).
an adjective (she
is fucking beautiful).
As you can see there is a whole lot of real versatility with "fuck". It pops up everywhere. Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:
GREETING - How the
fuck are you?
FRAUD - I got fucked
by that crook;
DISMAY - Oh, fuck
it!;
TROUBLE - I'm fucked
now!;
CONFUSION - What the
fuck?!;
AGGRESSION - "Fuck
you!";
DISGUST - "Fuck me"
DESPAIR - Fucked again!;
PHILOSOPHY - "Who
gives a fuck?"
INCOMPETENCE - "He's
a real fuck-off";
DISPLEASURE - "What
the fuck is going on here?"
NUMEROLOGY - "Sixty-fuckin'-nine";
LOST - "Where the
fuck are we?"
DISBELIEF - "Unfuckingbelievable
RETALIATION - Up your
fucking ass!"
REBELLION - Fuck it!;
DISPLEASURE - What
the fuck's going on?;
SATISFACTION - fuck
me again!
Also as:
DESCRIPTIVE ANATOMY
- "He's a fuckin' asshole!"
TO TELL TIME - "It's
six-fucking-thirty."
PREDICTION - "Well,
I'll be fucked!"
A POLITICAL STATEMENT
- "Fuck Washington"
INCESTUOUS - "Motherfucker"
A PUT DOWN - "Fuck
off, buster!"
ALL ENCOMPASSING -
"Fuck 'em all!"
GOVERNMENTAL AFFAIRS
- "Fuck the IRS"
A POKER HAND- "A royal
fuck"
TO START A RELATIONSHIP
- "Let's fuck now!"
AS AN ACCEPTANCE -
"Fuckin' eh!"
ENJOYMENT - "Fuckin'
Wow!" "
A CLOSING - "Fuckingly
yours".
MATERNAL - "Motherfucker"
POLITICAL - Fuck Clinton!!
Never forget the quotes of some famous people in our history and in the present:
Michelangelo: "You
want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling"
George Custer: Where
did all these Fucking Indians come from?
Einstein: "Any fucker
can understand that"
Mayor of Hiroshima:
What the fuck was that?
Heidi Fleuss: Fuck
these celebrities!
Mayor Richard Daley:
Fuck the heat - - Chicago IL
John Wayne: "Fuck
death and the lung cancer he rode in on."
Bill Clinton: What
the fuck's this inhaling thing?
Oliver North: You're
all fucking liars!
Sean Penn: Fuck, Fuck,
Fuck, Fuck etc.
Eddie Murphy: Fuck
you, Fuck you, and Fuck you. Who's next?
Jack Nicholas: Fuck
this for a lark, 1995 British Open
And last but not least, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic, who said "Full speed ahead and fuck the iceberg" and five minutes later said "Where is all this fucking water coming from? The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use fuck in your daily speech proudly. Fuck adds prestige to any conversation. Put this colorful four letter word to work for you. Today tell someone you know "fuck you" ... or "Let's fuck!"
This is a disclaimer. We know the origin of the word FUCK. When the puritans settled what is now Salem, they had this issue about pre-marital sex, they didn't approve of it. Not that it should matter to anybody except the two or three etc people are involved in in the privacy of their own home. Well these butt-inskies decided that sex should be a crime, and orgasms should be outlawed. Strange, how they thought they had the right to suppress one of God's greatest gifts while doing this in the name of God. Well If two people were caught in the act of having sex or even thinking about having sex they were brought to trial. If they were found guilty the crime they were committed of was "For Under Carnal Knowledge". They were put in the stockades and their crime was also carved in a piece of wood and placed over their heads. This was before the printing press or even before Black and Decker and God forbid Craftsman power tools (I like Craftsmans tools, even my chain saw is Craftsman). So all carving in wood had to be done not only by hand, but with handmade tools. Since they couldn't run over to England or Germany very easily, they didn't have any airplanes yet either, they had to try to conserve their tools and time. Just imagine carving the whole thing out when they could be out looking for young lovers to lock up or witches to burn at the stake. So they invented the acronym, which is a word or letter abbreviations for longer phrases. So if you were caught fucking around, and found guilty, you had the word F.U.C.K placed over your head while you spent time in the stockades. That is where the word came from and that is how it is associated with screwing. So please don't E-mail me and tell me that Fuck is not a German word. I fucking already know that. This is a joke, it is something to be laughed and enjoyed, I hope. By the way, I also know that the first part is not really correct either.
