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A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
Funny Sayings I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Darwin Awards continued THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Runners-up:
[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been determined that the tower he hit was
the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
- - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in
the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing
leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
TRAVELING
- - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
- - - -You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1. 75 each.
- - - -Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
- - - -You can measure distance by time. "How far away
is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you
get off work? " "Around 3 miles."
DEATH
- - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too
dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted
to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget
the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk
you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime?
They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit
the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
- - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
- - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling
it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I
called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?"
If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask
for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't
call it ..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case
closed."
ON DATING:
- - - -Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
- - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever
they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a
blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too
big ." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
ON SEX:
- - - -Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- - - -Men and women all in all, behave just like our
basic sexual elements . If you watch single men on a weekend night they really
act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming
in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail."
"That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very
cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not
swimming anywhere."
THE RELATIONSHIP
- - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
- - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point
of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride
and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because
they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody
just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
{Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.}
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly
close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of
your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass
shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead
of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close
other people's orifices.
Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across
space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add
paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop.
I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll
be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will
spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from
parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek,
the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real
thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the
door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince
me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy
Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated
with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough
to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're
suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what
moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got
bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big
hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of
100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body.
As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have
an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot
of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you
can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all
the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close
to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also
had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use
them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work.
You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would
know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break
time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there
is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there
were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
