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Episode 1 - Welcome to Royston Vasey
As a hearse bearing a floral tribute proclaiming the word 'Bastard' makes its way through Royston Vasey, poor unsuspecting Benjamin Denton arrives by train, to be rapidly subjected to not only the delights of the intimate and gory details of transsexual cabbie Barbara's impending sex change operation, but to the obsessive behaviour of his Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val, with whom he is to stay the night. Whilst Ben would rather settle in before meeting his friend Martin Lee, prior to the commencement of their walking holiday the following day, the Dentons' sole aim is to acquaint their nephew with the house rules, including the clinical colour-coding of scissors and towels and extolling unto him the virtues of abstaining from certain solo sexual practices. Oh, and let's not forget Uncle Harvey's passionate love of toads…Meanwhile, Martin has arrived in Royston Vasey by the hill road, making the fatal error of venturing into the local shop, where he is deliberately misunderstood by Tubbs, insulted by Edward and ultimately murdered. As is the local policeman who later has the unfortunate job of investigating the missing lad's last sightings.
Having had a bucket of offal thrown over their feet by the local butcher en route to work, Brian, Mike and Geoff are on their way for a liquid lunch when Mike decides to regale Geoff with one of his many jokes which, like all the others, sails merrily over Geoff's curly head. Later that night, whilst enjoying a meal in the town's Indian restaurant, such is Geoff's ire at Brian's seeming inability to tell a joke the way it should be told that he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot Mike unless Brian finishes the joke and makes everyone laugh. Luckily for Mike, as Brian has an appalling memory, he remembers the punchline, despite the pistol held to his head, which cheers Geoff, although he's a little miffed that Mike had already heard the joke, and everyone resumes their business as if holding one's friend at gunpoint over such trivialities is an everyday occurrence in Royston Vasey.
Back at the Job Centre, bumptious Restart officer Pauline Campbell-Jones is boosting the confidence of her jobseekers by pointing out how worthless and pathetic they are, before narrowing their available job options down to those of babysitter and bramble picker. The pitiful, moronic Mickey faces the dilemma of whether to attend the job interview he's always dreamed of and finally been called for, or bow to the pressure imposed on him by Pauline to complete his mandatory back-to-work course, unless he wants her to stop his benefit. Both claims.
On the outskirts of town, we meet Matthew Chinnery, Royston Vasey's charming yet inept vet, as he arrives at Farmer Tinsel's holding to put one of his dogs to sleep. The emotional farmer leaves Mr Chinnery alone for a few minutes, so the vet seizes his opportunity to gently end the suffering of the lively young collie by the fire. As she slips away peacefully, the farmer struggles into the room, carrying an obviously tumour-ridden mongrel, the one in need of medical intervention. Unfortunately, as is generally the case, Chinnery has some 'rather upsetting news' for Mr Tinsel…..
Episode 2 - The Road to Royston Vasey
Ah, poor Mr Chinnery. Not content with needlessly slaying one dog, he somehow manages to get the lead of a young spaniel tangled round the frame of his bicycle, cycling away in blissful ignorance, dragging the poor mutt behind him until it too meets its sorry demise. Not even a pack of fox hounds chasing the dismembered and bloody remains, as he rides about his daily business, can alert him to this latest misdemeanour.
Meanwhile, up on the hill road, Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, surveyors plotting the route of the impending new road for Royston Vasey discover that the local shop lies directly in the way of progress. Confident that the owners will be amenable to its demolition, they venture inside, where they encounter a particularly affronted Tubbs and Edward, whose solution to the problem of NewRoad is to strip both the road men and Tubbs naked, bind and daub the intruders in tar and perform a paganistic ritual resembling the dance of the seven veils, before finally running them out of town, Edward in hot pursuit wielding a crossbow…
Oblivious to these somewhat routine events of this locale, back at the Dentons', our hero Ben is being dragged from his slumber via the whisking away of his duvet by the effervescent Auntie Val. Coiled vulnerably on the sofa in his semi-naked state, he is sprayed with disinfectant and inspected by Uncle Harvey to disclose any signs of unpleasant sexual deviance. Later that day, having still been unable to make contact with the deceased Martin, Ben slips out to the telephone box for another attempt. Unfortunately, the unsuspecting lad arrives back at his relatives' just seconds after the 8.15pm curfew, to find himself on the wrong side of the 15-strong bolted and chained door, as his remorseless Uncle and Aunt retire to the sitting room, leaving him stranded outside.
Up bright and early for her daily duties as opulent Judee Levenson's drudge, Iris Krell snatches a cigarette from her toddler son and leaves her children urinating on the council estate where she lives. Whilst preparing her employer's clothes for yet another, imminent foreign holiday, she takes great pride in regaling the uneasy Mrs Levenson with graphic details of her lively sex life before scorching her most expensive nightie with an over-hot iron.
In the High Street, teenage lads Ally and Henry peruse the shelves of the Video Vault in an attempt to find a title they haven't already seen and that isn't in black and white. Henry's suggestion of 'Seven' is met with disdain from Ally, his argument being that there aren't enough killings and too much acting in it. In its defence, Henry runs through the murders in detail, but somehow they shift from the seven deadly sins to the seven dwarfs, although neither youth has the savvy to notice this. A few doors along at the shop of Hilary Briss, Royston Vasey's butcher, the proprietor is discussing the latest delivery of his addictive and illicit wares with local councillor Samuel. We don't know what it is exactly, but as Samuel puts it, "I know it's wrong, it just tastes so good".
As an exercise in sales technique, Pauline has decided that her merry band of jobseekers should try their hand at selling The Big Issue. Selecting Ross as her guinea pig in this scenario, she's at her most obstreperous, dismissing his continued pedestrian attempts at sales patter until, in a crescendo of frustration, she implores him to beg her to buy a copy. Ross, quite rationally, refuses, only to be rewarded with a smart swipe around the cranium for his level-headedness.
Across town, we meet the pitiable Les McQueen at home in his kitsch 70s-style abode, where he invokes a feeling of embarrassed awkwardness in one of his son's friends by regaling him with an anecdote of how his band, Crème Brulee, once made it to the Eurovision Heats, in the same year as Buck's Fizz. When the friend fails to depart with the cassette of demos foisted upon him, dejected Les shambles from the room, muttering what a shit business it was anyway…
More father and son discord in the warehouse of Italian newsagent Pop. Delighted to see his two sons and bursting with exciting news of a prospective takeover of a local key-cutting cubicle which could be transformed into a newsbooth for his younger son, Richie, he is devastated and irate to discover that the youngster has committed a heinous error of judgement. Whilst minding successful elder brother Al's booth, he turned his back for a moment, only to find when he turned back that some boys had stolen all the Maverick bars. Nine of them. Spared from a whipping by the quick action of Al, he is left sobbing like a baby as his father slopes out, denouncing this useless excuse for a son.
