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Episode 3 - Nightmare in Royston Vasey
They never learn, do they? This episode opens as another ill-fated road man makes a perilous pilgrimage into Tubbs and Edward's shop. This one's lucky; he escapes with only the relatively superficial damage of ruptured eardrums caused by Tubbs' banshee screams at her discovery that the horizon extends beyond Royston Vasey. Devastated yet excited by this revelation, she challenges Edward's explanation that he was protecting her from the outside world and makes the flagrant suggestion that they might leave the insular confines of the shop and visit 'places'. This pushes Edward to the limit and he stomps off, spade in hand, to put paid to NewRoad once and for all.
Back in town, at the veterinary surgery, Mr Chinnery is treating a particularly slothful anaemic tortoise with a blast of compressed air. "We can afford to be quite bold" he informs its elderly owner, urging her to increase the pressure until - oh dear oh dear - the poor chelonian is forcefully evacuated from both its shell and its mortal coil in one fell swoop. Down the road, Hilary Briss is trying to interest Morris Jeffries in his latest delectable delivery, but the magistrate resists. That is until, during a lunchtime game of snooker, Briss plonks a fleshy package in the middle of the baize, leaving poor, meek Morris no option but to take it. Gratis.
It's breakfast time on the Swanmills Estate and Harvey and Val Denton have been waiting stoically at the dining table since 6.15am for their errant nephew to join them. He eventually bounces in at a quarter past nine, full of beans, to be graphically subjected to his relatives' rather quaint daily routine of drinking their own urine. (Oh, but it's full of nitrates and enzymes, an aid to digestion and so good for the skin!) When Ben declines Uncle Harvey's invitation to micturate into the proffered pint pot himself, the incredulous, repulsed lad finds himself in the full-frontal firing line as he endeavours to catch Harvey's own stream in the glass, before his uncle frenetically downs the amber liquid in one large gulp.
Over at the job centre, today's topic is interview technique. After singling out Mickey as an example of how not to conduct oneself at a hypothetical interview for a job shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Pauline makes the grave error of deciding to demonstrate herself how it should be done properly. She attempts to impress with her decorum and over-enthusiasm, but is no match for the sly, conniving 'interviewer' Ross, who revels in humiliating Pauline with his dry asides and intrusive questioning. After informing her that she's failed this simplest of interviews for being a bully, foul-mouthed and - horror - too old, he meets his comeuppance in grand style as Pauline damn near separates his head from his shoulders with a belting upward blow to the chin from her clipboard. As he opens his mouth to scream in pain, she hysterically rams the notes he'd taken down his throat. He'll eat his words. Oh yes.
Down at the pub, Mike has some exciting news for his friends: he's getting married. Geoff, perturbed that he doesn't appear to be the immediate choice as best man, attempts to scupper his friend's chances by announcing that Brian said Mike's fiancee, Cheryl, looks like a moose. Uncomfortably, Brian points out that it was in fact Geoff who said it, although the latter hotly contests this, explaining that he merely said she looked about a hundred years old. Mike storms out, leaving a bewildered Geoff and despairing Brian in his wake. Never one to experience the penny dropping, Geoff heads off in blissful oblivion in the direction of the joke shop to pick up a little something for Mike's stag night. Creepy Lance, the lewd proprietor, having just appalled his previous customer with his bizarre and inappropriately dangerous wares before electrocuting him, is only too pleased to sell the crass Geoff a totally inapt gadget. Geoff, delighted with his present, tracks Mike to the works toilets, where, after ascertaining that Brian isn't also in the cubicle, grovels and badgers his friend until he resignedly agrees that Geoff can be his best man. Geoff gleefully reveals his gift to Mike - a delightful object which, on insertion of one's hand, administers an electric shock to its victim.
Oblivious to the dazed and terrified old lady suck on the roof of the church porch, Bernice Woodall, Royston Vasey's objectionable lady vicar, is delivering her unique line in liturgy. Welcoming the new road with open arms, she begs the almighty that it won't attract the attentions of those evil soap-dodging road protesters, with their abhorrent body piercings. No doubt, she speculates, they would even have their backsides pierced, were they to able to fit them into the machine.
At the road site, all is definitely not well. Not only is there a hellish storm raging, but something grisly has been discovered by one of the diggers. Slowly, steadily, it is winched up from the mud, and in a spine-chilling flash of lightning, we are afforded the gruesome spectacle of a crucified, terrifying beast nailed to a cross. However, in the ensuing confusion, no-one spots Edward cackling maniacally in the shadows….
Episode 4 - The Beast of Royston Vasey
Up on the hill by the shop, a delighted Edward regards the chaos at the road site. Oh yes, the plan to destroy NewRoad worked beautifully! All progress has ground to a halt whilst a full inquiry is held and who better to conduct an autopsy on this alien being than the competent Mr Chinnery? After initially vomiting down the inside of his contamination suit, he regains his composure and proceeds to examine the monstrous basilisk in meticulous detail, failing to notice, until it is pointed out to him, that it is in fact an amalgamation of the decimated remains of the pig, goat and chimp which mysteriously disappeared from the Roundabout Zoo the previous day. With this revelation made and Chinnery looking suitably sheepish, everyone gets back to work, much to Edward's chagrin.
Meanwhile, at the rec., Mr Foot, desperate for someone to talk to, is unwittingly insulting a blind man. Oblivious to the fact that his suggestion that, with the advances of modern technology, the fellow might one day be lucky enough to undergo surgery giving him the gift of sight, albeit at the expense of reducing him to nothing more than a brain with an eye on a stalk, is met with some animosity, he is perplexed when the chap makes a swift exit as soon as he turns his back.
It's an eventful day for the schoolchildren of Royston Vasey. Not only are they graced with Bernice Woodall's caustically delivered sermon committing them to eternal damnation via a burning second death, but they are also to receive a visitation of a different kind (although no less painful.) Yes, Legz Akimbo theatre in education group are in school to raise awareness of the issues surrounding homosexuality. As a preliminary, the guys have a little introductory banter in class to set the tone. Unfortunately, sparked by fellow actor Dave's untimely discovery of Phil's sexual preferences, frontman Ollie Plimsolls launches into an impassioned and unseemly tirade about the horrors of relationships, culminating with the conclusion that, whilst gays might be just normal, healthy guys, dykes are evil. But then, bless him, he has just been dumped by his wife of eight years in favour of a pipe-smoking female Geoff Capes, who is apparently more of a man than he'll ever be.
The tension is still riding high later in the day when Legz Akimbo perform their production, 'Everybody Out!', through the media of drama and dance, interspersed with Ollie's emotionally unstable outbursts. The performance blunders along, totally bewildering the young audience, until Ollie's rising venom can be controlled no longer and he launches into a scathing attack on Phil, a rant about his own dedication to the theatre in education cause and ultimately, a sickening revelation that not only have his fellow players just walked out of his group, but that it's personal; they just can't stand him.
Out in Farmer Tinsel's Ten Acre field, young Chloe and Radclyffe Denton, identical twin daughters of Auntie Val and Uncle Harvey, are paying a visit to the scarecrow. Observing how shapeless his head has become, they punch it back into form, as the farmer strides over to send them packing. Taking pity on the dishevelled mannequin, Mr Tinsel removes the bag from its head, allowing the sore-ridden Andrew Ward inside to gasp laboured breaths as he begs to be released. No such luck - he's only been there three weeks. He can, however, have some time with the bag off, provided he doesn't scream. The farmer's got his gun…Relieved, Ward sees the two girls coming back, but instead of helping him, they simply replace the bag as he whimpers into submission. You see, he's their special friend and he wouldn't be if he went away….
Wednesday…Time for another of the Dentons' little foibles. This is the day they wear specially adapted spiked slippers resembling lawn aerators around the house. These help to restore the weft of the carpet, explains Harvey, gliding round the room like a figure skater to demonstrate. Benjamin obligingly dons his pair whilst left on babysitting duty for his cousins. After his insistence that they go to bed is met with first blackmail, then screams, he reluctantly agrees to play a game. Blindfolded, he doesn't realise that this particular version of piggy in the middle involves the use of live, prize-winning toads in place of a ball. Until, that is, Radclyffe's aim is a little off and Sonny, Uncle Harvey's pride and joy, lands atop the electric fire where he meets a molten end, dripping down through the bars in an oozing mess. Right on cue, Val and Harvey arrive home to find Benjamin alone in the havoc of the front room with the melted toad on the fire. Poor Ben; things couldn't get any worse, could they? Unless, of course, he was to stand his spiky-soled weight onto Cher, completing the massacre….
